The Publication Committee of The Caxton 
Club certifies that this copy of Derby's PhcEnix- 
iana, two volumes, is one of an edition consisting of 
one hundred and sixty-five copies on American hand- 
made paper and three copies on Japanese vellum, 
printed from type, and completed in the month of 
April, eighteen hundred and ninety-seven. 



PHCENIXIANA 

VOLUME I 




\Y"^ X>,.Av// -'' 



PHOENIXIANA 



Capt. George Horatio Derby 
("John Phcenix") ' 

EDITED BY 
JOHN VANCE CHENEY 

VOL. I 



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CHICAGO 
THE CAXTON CLUB 



MDCCCXCVII 






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IvI(;MIIIN IIIINI>RII> AND FiMY-nvi:. 



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"/;? the name of the Prophet — figs 



Contents of Volume I. 



PAGE 

Editor's Preface .... xiii 

Introduction: 

Preface of Author . . . xxxi 

A Word to the Reader . . . xxxiii 

Phoenixiana: 

Official Report of Professor John Phoe- 
nix, xA^.M I 

A New System of EngHsh Grammar . 23 

**Ingomar" and **The Plains" . 35 

The Death of Squibob . . . '45 

Street Introductions .... 50 

The Flight of the Collector . . -55 

The Return of the Collector . . 66 
The San Francisco Antiquarian Society 
and California Academy of Arts and 

Sciences . . . . . -74 

The Ladies' Relief Society . . 83 

Benicia 88 

The Lost Stove-pipe . . . 100 

Unfortunate Oliver . . . .105 



xii Contents. 



A Walk with Sappho . . . io8 
Washington Ladies' Depository . .no 
Farewell to San Francisco . . . 112 
At Sea 119 

Illustration: 
Author's Portrait. By W. H. W. Bicknell. Frontispiece 



Editor's Preface. 

Whether or not we have an American lit- 
erature, we have humor distinctly our own ; a 
portion of it literature, the remainder some- 
thing else, but certainly humor. The accent 
of sportive fancy, the turn and trick of drollery, 
were native to Franklin, foremost among our 
philosophers and statesmen, to Lincoln, our 
greatest President since Washington, and to 
Henry Ward Beecher, the commanding genius 
among our preachers. A complete bibliography 
of American humor would be a broad mark 
indeed, for the critics of the motherland, where 
humor rests on a few resplendent names, shining 
here and there on the long stretch from Dan 
Chaucer to Tom Hood. Among those with 
whom we of to-day are familiar, "John Phoenix" 
is admittedly the pioneer. " The first of the 
great modern humorists" — so "Mark Twain " 
styles him in " The Library of Humor." It 
was on the Pacific Coast, and at that furiously 



xiv Editor's Preface. 

fecund period known as " The Fall of '49 and 
the Spring of '50," that his writings first attracted 
general attention. The young soldier, then in 
his twenty-seventh year, established the practice, 
retained through life, of writing for the local 
press. We have become accustomed, by use 
and abuse, to the incongruities of speech and sit- 
uation, to the exaggeration and distortion, to all 
the capricious substance of surprise, discover- 
able in the pages to follow; but it is not with 
us now as it was fifty years ago. Take, for 
example, a sentence from the review of " The 
Plains" : "The symphonic opens upon the wide 
and boundless plains, in longitude 115° W., lati- 
tude 35° 21' 03" N., and about sixty miles from 
the west bank of Pitt River." Such a mixture of 
the realistic and the imaginative was, five decades 
back, a fresh venture in interpretative criticism. 
The grotesque pleasantry with which the 
youthful officer whiled away his leisure hours 
has a certain order of strength and vitality. To 
this there is the best of testimony ; for the 
princes among our merrymakers have drawn 
freely from " Phoenixiana," and the mob of grin- 
ning gentlemen have filched from it without 
measure or mercy. 



Editor's Preface. 



Captain Derby's claims as a caricaturist and 
farceur do not rest solely on priority in point of 
time ; his was the meed of exceptional gifts. 
His original sayings when he was as yet a beard- 
less boy were caught up and retailed by his mates 
with prophetic persistency. He was a wag 
from the womb, a born jester, in the old pro- 
fessional sense of the word ; and if the fun 
bubbled out of "Artemus Ward" as it has out 
of no other American, he could have found 
among his fellow-craftsmen no more congenial 
comrade than " John Phoenix." To this it 
should be added that, the men of letters ex- 
cepted, — such writers as Dr. Holmes, Curtis, 
Lowell, — our famous humorists fall below him 
in scholarship and general culture. Though a 
desultory and somewhat capricious student, he 
found his way over the wide range from the 
fields of science and history to the fairer expanse 
of art and imaginative literature. A stanch sol- 
dier, a well-trained mathematician and civil en- 
gineer, a ready draughtsman in and out of his 
profession, he was, besides, after his own peculiar 
fashion, a critical observer of man and nature. 
So far as he built, it was on the foundation com- 
mon to his class ; their motto was his, — " Much 



xvi Editor*s Preface. 

ado about nothing." With him, as with the 
masters of his order, the triviality, the vanity, 
of life stands out sharply on all sides ; so sharply 
that pity wearies and laughter comes to its relief. 
This controlling emotion of the humorist is 
evidenced throughout the present publication. 
" The earth, or as the Latins call it, Tellus 
(from which originated the expression, ' do tell 
us '), is the third planet in the solar system, 
and the one on which we subsist, with all our 
important joys and sorrows. The San Diego 
Herald is published weekly on this planet, for 
five dollars per annum, payable invariably in ad- 
vance." Here is the keynote ; under the tinkle 
of the fool-cap bells is heard the old pathetic 
sermonizing : " Thus we play the fools with the 
time, and the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds 
and mock us." 

Socrates and Plato long since traced comedy 
and tragedy to one and the same fountain-head. 
At the touch of the humorist, the sober colors 
blend with the gay, or at least underlie them, 
laid on so strongly that they show through. 
The chosen yoke-fellow of humor is pathos ; 
the bewildering experiences of life, the ambi- 
tions and failures, the hopes and disappoint- 



Editor's Preface. xvii 

ments, are now sad, now laughable, as the 
mood impels. Jean Paul defines humor as the 
sublime reversed; it may be defined equally- 
well as despondency seen from the other side. 
Possibly the humorists are at bottom a doleful 
brotherhood. " Josh Billings " once told the 
present writer that he had been spending a few 
days with two distinguished humorists, and was 
never before so glad to get home. It was more 
like a funeral than a merry-making. Of one of 
his companions, the one whose name is oftenest 
heard to-day, "Josh " said, " He actually does 
not know how to laugh." 

But whether or not humorists can be jolly 
together, it is known that one of them could 
laugh over his own jokes in the silence and 
isolation of the productive moment ; "Artemus 
Ward " was wont to rouse the occupants of 
adjoining rooms with his shouts over a happy 
stroke not yet dry on the paper. "John 
Phoenix" went further; so little of the agelast 
was there in him that he seemed to accept in 
earnest Hamlet's mocking question, "What 
should a man do but be merry?" To see him 
as the central spirit of a group of raconteurs was 
to see him in his native element and at his best. 



xviii Editor's Preface. 

The happiest passages from his pen lack the 
fascination of the attractive personal presence, 
— the commanding figure, the handsome face, 
mobile in every feature, the irresistible lift and 
turn of the grave, thoughtful eyes, suddenly 
responsive to the impulses of " infinite jest." 

As one reads the mild satire aimed at certain 
methods and conclusions of the author's favorite 
study, science, one cannot help thinking how 
huge a joke he would have found the fact that 
the gift of humor has been a most stubborn 
phenomenon to reduce to the theory of the 
evolutionists. These wise gentlemen, quite 
successful elsewhere, have not yet succeeded in 
finding just how the sense of humor has helped 
in that tedious and fearful struggle wherein " the 
fittest " win the well-earned privilege of con- 
tinuance. Science finds it no easy task to dis- 
pose of the jokers. The origin, the develop- 
ment, — the mystery, of wit and humor remains 
about where it is left in the generalizations of 
men hardly of a scientific turn. " Wit," says 
Emerson, meaning humor as well, " makes its 
own welcome, and levels all distinctions. * * * 
It is like ice, on which no beauty of form, 
no majesty of carriage, can plead any immunity, 



Editor's Preface. xix 

— they must walk gingerly, according to the 
laws of ice, or down they must go, dignity and 
all." There has been little progress beyond 
this and Dr. Isaac Barrow's definitional tour de 
force : — 

" It is indeed a thing so versatile and multi- 
form, appearing in so many shapes, so many 
postures, so many garbs, so variously appre- 
hended by several eyes and judgments, that it 
seemeth no less hard to settle a clear and certain 
notion thereof, than to make a portrait of Pro- 
teus, or to define the figure of the fleeting air. 
Sometimes it lieth in pat allusion to a known 
story, or in seasonable application of a trivial 
saying, or in forging an apposite tale : some- 
times it playeth in words and phrases, taking 
advantage from the ambiguity of their sense, or 
the affinity of their sound : sometimes it is 
wrapped in a dress of humorous expression : 
sometimes it lurketh under an odd similitude : 
sometimes it is lodged in a sly question, in a 
smart answer, in a quirkish reason, in a shrewd 
intimation, in cunningly diverting, or cleverly 
retorting an objection : sometimes it is couched 
in a bold scheme of speech, in a tart irony, in 
a lusty hyperbole, in a startling metaphor, in a 
plausible reconciling of contradictions, or in 
acute nonsense : sometimes a scenical repre- 
sentation of persons or things, a counterfeit 
speech, a mimical look or gesture passeth for it : 



XX Editor's Preface. 

sometimes an affected simplicity, sometimes a 
presumptuous bluntness giveth it being : some- 
times it riseth from a lucky hitting upon what is 
strange ; sometimes from a crafty wresting ob- 
vious matter to the purpose : often it consisteth 
in one knows not what, and springeth up one 
can hardly tell how. Its ways are unaccount- 
able and inexplicable, being answerable to the 
numberless rovings of fancy and windings of 
language." 

The pulpit has made a brave start ; let the 
laboratory take courage. Indisputably, the rib- 
ticklers are not accidental, mere brittle offshoots 
of the hour ; they have come on, step by step, 
with the founders of kingdoms, of philosophies, 
and of religions. Many a weary stage must 
have been passed through before that pun of 
Homer's, which seems to us so far away. The 
" No-man " joke on blind Cyclops bears out the 
notion, formulated and fathered by Hobbes, that 
laughter is no more than a chuckle over other 
folk's misfortune or infirmity. There is no mis- 
taking the smack of the malign in that crude spe- 
cies of humor, the practical joke ; but humor rose 
long since from the savage, practical-joke period. 
Whatever may have been the value of it in the 
earlier stages of development, it is now a pow- 



Editor's Preface. xxI 

erful ally of persuasion, a safeguard against the 
ever-threatening attack of sham and fanaticism, 
and, best of all, an effective remedy against atra 
hilis. However it be compounded, humor is 
medicinal ; and, since the potion is pleasant to 
the taste, the world will be long in giving over 
the prescription, " Get the rest and refreshment 
of the shaking of the sides." 

" John Phoenix " stands before us distinctly as 
a believer in humor for humor's sake. It is 
enough for him if he effect, to paraphrase Kant, 
the " abrupt tumble of tense expectation into 
nothing " ; anything to flush the face suddenly 
" red with mirth." This happy magic was prac- 
ticed for the moment ; there was no thought for 
the future. Had there been, the author would 
have revised these fugitive papers and collected 
them for publication in book form himself, in- 
stead of leaving them to the not always tender 
mercies of admiring friends. It was, to quote 
his own words, through the pressure of " cir- 
cumstances entirely beyond his control " that he 
permitted the publication of " Phoenixiana " ; 
and then with the understanding that he should 
not be called upon for the smallest service in 
connection with it. We are not surprised, 



xxii Editor's Preface. 

therefore, to find the accomplishment of the 
grotesque genius informing these pages falling 
far short of its possibilities. Our author real- 
ized this. The papers were not intended for 
issue in permanent form j moreover, he deemed 
them unworthy of the pains that would have to 
be taken to fit them for this purpose. 

Captain George Horatio Derby, born in 
Dedham, Massachusetts, April 3, 1823, sprang 
from a line of distinguished ancestry. From the 
first emigrant of the name to this country (Roger 
Derby, who came in 167 1) down to the subject 
of the present sketch, the Derbys were superior 
men ; some among them being adventurous sea- 
farers ; others, conspicuous figures in business 
and public affairs ; others still, lovers and pro- 
moters of the arts and polite literature. The 
best-known of the family is our author's great- 
grandfather, Elias Hasket Derby, the " mer- 
chant prince" of Salem, Massachusetts. John 
Barton Derby, Captain Derby's father, was a 
graduate of Bowdoin, a lawyer and an author. 
Undoubtedly our militant humorist inherited 
certain eccentricities of character and tempera- 
ment from his father ; his literary gift coming 
rather from his mother, Mary (Townsend) 



Editor's Preface. xxiii 

Derby, a woman of singular readiness in the 
peculiar vein that her son made it his pleasure 
to develop. Young Derby was making comic 
drawings, with ludicrous inscriptions under them, 
when a cadet at West Point. There, too, he 
played many a madcap prank, evincing the high- 
spirited, fearless disposition conspicuous through- 
out his career. 

" John Phoenix " is best known to the public 
through the work of his pen ; but his intimate 
associates knew him better, perhaps, through the 
expressions of his antic pencil, which he des- 
patched to them broadcast when the pictoric fit 
was on him. A few of his drawings are to be 
found in the posthumous volume, " The Squibob 
Papers " ; so poorly reproduced, however, as to 
give little idea of the originals. 

Captain Derby married Miss Mary Ann Coons 
of St. Louis, a lady eminently fitted to be the 
wife of her gifted husband. Mrs. Derby is still 
living, her home at present being in New York 
City. Three children were born to them, two 
daughters and a son. Neither of the daughters 
is now living ; the son, George McClellan 
Derby, is a captain in the regular army. While 
on duty in Florida, Captain Derby suffered a 



xxiv Editor's Preface. 

sunstroke, which was the beginning of a series 
of ailments that made the last year or more of 
his life a blank, and finally led to his death. 
Captain Derby's military record, taken from 
The Biographical Register of the Officers and 
Graduates of the U. S. Military Academy at 
West Point, N. Y., 1868, vol. II, p. 145, is 
as follows : 

"GEORGE H. DERBY. 

1278 (Born Mas.) (Ap'd Mas.). .7. 

Military History. — Cadet at the U. S. Military 
Academy from July i, 1842, to July i, 1846, when 
he was graduated and promoted in the Army to 
Bvt. Second Lieut., Ordnance, July i, 1846. 
Transferred to Top. Engineers, Aug. 12, 1846. 

Served: as Asst. Top. Engineer on Survey of New 
Bedford harbor, Mas., 1846; in the War with 
Mexico, 1 846—47, being engaged in the Siege of Vera 
Cruz, Mar. 9—29, 1 847, — and Battle of Cerro Gordo, 
Apr. 17-18, 1847, where 

(Bvt. First Lieut., Apr. 18, 1847, for Gallant 
and Meritorious Conduct in the Battle of Cerro 
Gordo, Mex.) 

he was severely wounded ; on sick leave of absence, 
disabled by wound, Apr. 18 to Oct., 1847; as Assist- 
ant in the Topographical Bureau at Washington, 
D. C, 1847—48; on Explorations in Minnesota Ter- 
ritory, 1848—49, — in the Department of the Pacific, 



Editor's Preface. xxv 

1849-52, — and in the Department of Texas, 1852; 
in charge of 

(Second Lieut., Top. Engineers, Aug. 4, 1851) 
the Survey and Improvement of San Diego harbor, 
1853-54; °^ ^^^ Staff of the Commanding General 
of the Department of the Pacific, 1854-55; ^^ charge 

(First Lieut., Top. Engineers, Oct. 2, 1855) 
of Military Roads in the Department of the Pacific, 
1855-56; on Coast Survey, Apr. 30 to June 9, 
1856; as Light-house Engineer, May 15, 1857, to 

(Captain, Top. Engineers, July i, i860, for 14 
Years' Continuous Service) 
Nov. 2, 1859; and on sick leave of absence, Dec. 20, 
1859, to May 15, 1861. 

Civil History. — Author, under the nom de plume 
of John Phoenix, of ** Phoenixiana; or. Sketches and 
Burlesques,'* 1 856, — and of **Squibob Papers," 
i860. 

Died, May 15, i 861, at New York City: Aged 38." 

It remains to be said that the best of Captain 
Derby's skits are included in the present volume. 
Dashed off nearly a half-century ago, wanting 
now the poignancy of local allusion, which is of 
the very gist of them, they hardly more than 
indicate the fullness of the gift inspiring them. 
To appreciate the opening article, for example, 
one must know what San Francisco was at the 
time ; must know that Kearny street was little 
more than a trail ; must know, moreover, that 



xxvi Editor's Preface. 

the whole report is a satire on the wasteful, 
impotent performance of a company of engineers 
equipped at a large expense, and sent by Secre- 
tary Davis to the Pacific Coast to make a topo- 
graphical survey. 

Captain Derby was constitutionally incapable 
of holding Jefferson Davis in high estimation. 
Accordingly, when the Department announced 
that it was "not averse to receiving suggestions 
from army officers" regarding improvements in 
the uniform of the United States soldiery, he 
shut himself up for a day or two at Fort Yuma, 
making drawings, which he duly forwarded, 
with explanatory text, in a huge tin tube ten 
feet long. A thorough search in the official 
files at Washington naturally fails to reveal this 
unique document. A portion of a lithographic 
print of it, however, has been obtained from 
private sources for theadornment of the present 
volume. 

Captain Derby's drawings should be collected, 
and to them should be added a liberal exhibit of 
his oral expressions in private and at gatherings 
of various kinds, where his inimitable entertain- 
ment made the occasion memorable. A much 
fuller showing must be made before the public 



Editor's Preface. 



can know either the man or the humorist as he 
was. Public interest centres, of course, in the 
humor; but it should not be forgotten that be- 
hind the humor was a man of exceptional char- 
acter and ability, a faithful, efficient officer, and 
a genial comrade who won the lasting respect 
and affection of his associates and friends. 

The Caxton "Phoenixiana " is not a strict re- 
print of the " Phoenixiana" published by D. 
Appleton and Company in December, 1855, 
and now in its thirty-fifth edition. The papers 
are presented in a new order, and in some 
instances there has been a change of headings. 
A few pages have been omitted. Further 
changes consist of the correction of typograph- 
ical errors and slips of the pen; of the revision 
of the punctuation and capitalization, and the 
occasional reconstruction of a phrase or a sen- 
tence. The alterations affect the form only j 
whenever there was doubt as to the intent, 
copy has been strictly followed. It is hardly 
necessary to say that such cases are of frequent 
occurrence. "John Phoenix" is just the author 
to lead the painstaking editor into unsuspected 
perplexities. For instance, ^ercus albus^ vol. I, 
p. 14, what is it, a misprint or a gentle dig in the 



xxviii Editor's Preface. 

ribs of that industrious, but not always inspiring, 
personage, the phytographer? The writer was 
a fair scholar, but he was also an indomitable 
joker; and it were hazardous to decide in which 
role he appears. 

The case of the original " Phoenixiana " is 
exceptional. The author had nothing to do 
with the publication ; what is more, the volume 
was issued against his judgment and his wishes. 
With this fact in mind, and the further fact 
that the volume is a bundle of carelessly written 
newspaper-clippings, tumbled together with 
barely perceptible deference to the proprieties 
of publication in book form, it would be a 
strained, if not unpardonable, nicety on the 
part of a book-club to issue a strict reprint. 
While it is not to be hoped that the Caxton 
" Phoenixiana " is what the author would have 
wished to see it, the editor believes it to make 
a considerably closer approach to that ideal than 
was made by the original volume ; in other 
words, that it is more faithful to the gifts and 
to the specific intent of the author. 

The illustrations in the " Report on the 
Central Route " and in " Phoenix's Pictorial " 
are from the original blocks. The portrait of 



Editor's Preface. xxix 

" Squibob," frontispiece to volume II (drawn 
by Derby over his own photograph as the 
groundwork), is from the original cut used in 
the Appleton edition of " Phoenixiana." The 
etching (volume I), by Mr. W. H. W. Bick- 
nell, is from a photograph of a portrait painted 
by Mr. F. B. Carpenter. This is the likeness 
preferred by the family. 

" Phoenixiana " ends with "A Legend of the 
Tehama." The article " Disbursing-officers, 
U. S. A.," and the reproductions of water-colors 
and pen-and-ink sketches are additional matter, 
now published for the first time, being, with one 
exception, from originals in a scrap-book be- 
longing to Mrs. Derby, entitled " Squibob, 
Phoenix & Co." The exception, " The Irish 
Emigrant's Lament," is from a drawing made by 
Derby, when a cadet, in an album belonging to 
the wife of General Q. A. Gillmore. The 
drawing is now in the possession of Mr. Sam- 
uel N. Holliday of St. Louis. 

The editor would tender special thanks for 
the generous assistance rendered him by Mrs. 
George Horatio Derby, Miss C. A. Hayward, 
Captain George McClellan Derby, Mr. Charles 
Clarence Poole, and Mr. A. J. Rudolph, First 



XXX Editor's Preface. 

Assistant Librarian of The Newberry Library; 
and would make grateful mention of the kindly 
offices of many others who have responded 
promptly and graciously to various demands 
upon their time and patience. 

John Vance Cheney. 

The Caxton Club, 
April, 1897. 



Prefa 



ce. 



This book is merely a collection of 
sundry sketches recently published in the 
newspapers and magazines of California. 
They were received with approval, sepa- 
rately, and it is to be hoped they may meet 
with it on their appearance in a collected 
form. When first published, the Author 
supposed he had seen and heard the last 
of them, but circumstances entirely be- 
yond his control have led to their repub- 
lication. 

The Author does not flatter himself 
that he has made any very great addition 
to the literature of the age by this per- 
formance; but if his book turns out to be 
a very bad one, he will be consoled by the 
reflection that it is by no means the first, 
and probably will not be the last, of that 
kind that has been given to the public. 



xxxli Preface. 



Meanwhile, this is by the blessing of 
divine Providence and through the exer- 
tions of the immortal Washington, a free 
country; and no man can be compelled to 
read anything against his inclination. 
With unbounded respect for everybody. 
The Author remains, 

John Phcenix. 

San Francisco, July 15, 1855. 



A Word to the Reader. 

It is proper to state, that while the following 
pages are collected with the permission of the 
Author, and thus presented in a book-form, he 
has yet himself not been consulted in any 
manner in relation to the order of arrangement 
of its contents; and it is quite probable that 
his severer taste and better judgment might 
have operated to exclude some things which are 
here embraced. The editor can only say, that 
preparing the volume hastily for the press, he 
has done the best he could in the premises; and 
only begs that the sin of omission or of com- 
mission that may be observable in these pages, 
should not be visited upon the head of the 
Author. 

J. J. A. 

San Diego, California, October, 1855. 



PHCENIXIANA 



Phoenixiana 



Official Report of Professor 
John Phcenix, A. M. 

Of a Military Survey and Reconnoissance of the route from San 

Francisco to the Mission of Dolores, made with a view 

to ascertain the practicability of connecting 

those points by a railroad,* 

Mission of Dolores, Feb. 15, 1855. 

IT having been definitely determined that 
the great Railroad connecting the City 
of San Francisco with the head of navi- 
gation on Mission Creek should be con- 
structed without unnecessary delay, a 
large appropriation (;^ 120,000) was granted for 
the purpose of causing thorough military exam- 
inations to be made of the proposed routes. 
The routes which had principally attracted the 
attention of the public were, the Northern, 
following the line of Brannan street, the Cen- 
tral, through Folsom street, and the extreme 
Southern, passing over the Old Plank Road 
to the Mission. Each of these proposed routes 

■'^'The Mission Dolores is only i^^ miles from the City Hall of 
San Francisco, and a favorite suburban locality, lying within the 
limits of the city survey. This fact noted for the benefit of dis- 
tant readers of these sketches. 



2 Report on the Central Route. 

has many enthusiastic advocates ; but the 
Central is, undoubtedly, the favorite of the 
public, it being more extensively used by emi- 
grants from San Francisco to the Mission, and 
therefore more w^idely and favorably known than 
the others. It was to the examination of this 
route that the committee, feeling confidence 
(eminently justified by the result of my labors) 
in my experience, judgment and skill as a mili- 
tary engineer, appointed me on the first instant. 
Having notified that honorable body of my 
acceptance of the important trust confided to 
me in a letter wherein I also took occasion to 
congratulate them on the good judgment they 
had evinced, I drew from the treasurer the 
amount (;^40,ooo) appropriated for my peculiar 
route, and, having invested it securely in loans 
at three per cent a month (made, to avoid acci- 
dent, in my own name), I proceeded to organize 
my party for the expedition. 

In a few days my arrangements were com- 
pleted, and my scientific corps organized, as 
follows : — 

„ A »» f Principal Engineer and 

John Phoenix, A. M. . . . | Chief Astronomer. 

{Apocryphal Engineer. 
First Assistant As- 
tronomer. 
{Hypercritical Engineer. 
Second Assistant As- 
tronomer. 
Dr. Abraham Dunshunner , Geologist. 

Dr. Targee Heavysterne . . Naturalist. 

Herr Von Der Weegates . Botanist. 



Report on the Central Route. 3 

Dr. Fogy L. Bigguns . . . Ethnologist. 

Dr. Tushmaker . . . Dentist. 

Enry Halfred Tinkins, R. a. . 1 t-» r 
. „ J ' >- Draftsmen. 

Adolphe Kraut ... j 

Hi Fun ..... Interpreter. 

James Phcenix, (my elder brother) Treasurer. 

Joseph Phcenix, ditto, . Quarter-master. 

William Phcenix, (younger brother) Commissary. 

Peter Phcenix, ditto, . Clerk. 

Paul Phcenix, (my cousin) . Sutler. 

Reuben Phcenix, ditto . . Wagon-master. 

Richard Phcenix, (second cousin) Assistant ditto. 

These gentlemen, with one hundred and 
eighty-four laborers employed as teamsters, 
chainmen, rodmen, etc., made up the party. 
For instruments, we had i large Transit-in- 
strument (8 inch achromatic lens), i Mural Cir- 
cle, I Altitude and Azimuth Instrument (these 
instruments were permanently set up in a mule- 
cart, which was backed into the plane of the 
true meridian when required for use), 13 large 
Theodolites, 13 small ditto, 8 Transit Com- 
passes, 17 Sextants, 34 Artificial Horizons, i 
Sidereal Clock, and 184 Solar Compasses. Each 
employee was furnished with a gold chronome- 
ter watch, and, by a singular mistake, a diamond 
pin and gold chain ; for, directions having been 
given that they should be furnished with " chains 
and pins " — meaning of course such articles as 
are used in surveying, — Lieut. Root, whose 
zeal somewhat overran his discretion, incon- 
tinently procured for each man the above-named 
articles of jewelry by mistake. They were 
purchased at Tucker's (where, it is needless to 



4 Report on the Central Route. 

remark, " you can buy a diamond pin or ring"), 
and afterwards proved extremely useful in our 
intercourse with the natives of the Mission of 
Dolores, and indeed, along the route. 

Every man was suitably armed with four of 
Colt's revolvers, a Minie rifle, a copy of Col. 
Benton's speech on the Pacific Railroad, and a 
mountain howitzer. These last-named heavy 
articles required each man to be furnished with 
a wheelbarrow for their transportation, which 
was accordingly done ; and these vehicles proved 
of great service on the survey in transporting 
not only the arms but the baggage of the party, 
as well as the plunder derived from the natives. 
A squadron of dragoons, numbering 150 men, 
under Capt. McSpadden, had been detailed as 
an escort. They accordingly left about a week 
before us, and we heard of them occasionally on 
the march. 

On consulting with my assistants, I had de- 
termined to select, as a base for our operations, 
a line joining the summit of Telegraph Hill with 
the extremity of the wharf at Oakland. Accord- 
ingly, two large iron thirty-two pounders were 
procured, and at great expense imbedded in the 
earth, one at each extremity of the line, to mark 
the initial points. On placing compasses over 
these points to determine the bearing of the 
base, we were extremely perplexed by the un- 
accountable local attraction that prevailed ; and 
were compelled, in consequence, to select a new 



Report on the Central Route. 5 

position. This we finally concluded to adopt 
between Fort Point and Saucelito ; but, on 
attempting to measure the base, we were de- 
terred by the unexpected depth of the water inter- 
vening, which, to our surprise, was considerably 
over the chain -bearers' heads. Disliking to 
abandon our new line, which had been selected 
with much care and at great expense, I determined 
to employ in its measurement a reflecting instru- 
ment used very successfully by the United 
States Coast Survey. I therefore directed my 
assistants to procure me a heliotrope; but, 
after being annoyed by having brought to me 
successively a sweet-smelling shrub of that 
name and a box of " Lubin's Extract " to select 
from, it was finally ascertained that no such 
instrument could be procured in California. In 
this extremity, I bethought myself of using as a 
substitute the flash of gunpowder. Wishing to 
satisfy myself of its practicability by an experi- 
ment, I placed Dr. Dunshunner at a distance of 
forty paces from my theodolite, with a flint- 
lock musket carefully primed, and directed him 
to flash in the pan when I should wave my hand. 
Having covered the Doctor with the theodolite, 
and by a movement of the tangent screw placed 
the intersection of the cross lines directly over 
the muzzle of the musket, I accordingly waved; 
when I was astounded by a tremendous report, 
a violent blow in the eye, and the instantaneous 
disappearance of the instrument. 



6 Report on the Central Route. 

Observing Dr. Dunshunner lying on his back 
in one direction, and my hat, which had been 
violently torn from my head, at about the same 
distance in another, I concluded that the musket 
had been accidentally loaded. Such proved to be 
the case ; the marks of three buckshot were 
found in my hat, and a shower of screws, broken 
lenses and pieces of brass, which shortly fell 
around us, told where the ball had struck, and 
bore fearful testimony to the accuracy of Dr. 
Dunshunner's practice. Believing these experi- 
ments more curious than useful, I abandoned 
the use of the heliotrope and its substitutes, 
and determined to reverse the usual process, and 
arrive at the length of the base line by subse- 
quent triangulation. 1 may as well state, here, 
that this course was adopted, and resulted to our 
entire satisfaction ; the distance from Fort Point 
to Saucelito by the solution of a mean of 
1,867,434,926,465 triangles, being determined 
to be tx2iCX.\y three hundred and twenty-four feet. 
This result differed very much from our pre- 
conceived ideas and from the popular opinion, 
the distance being generally supposed to be some 
ten miles ; but I will stake my professional 
reputation on the accuracy of our work, and 
there can, of course, be no disputing the eluci- 
dations of science, or facts demonstrated by 
mathematical process, however incredible they 
may appear per se. 

We adopted an entirely new system of tri- 



Report on the Central Route. 7 

angulation, which I am proud to claim (though 
I hope with becoming modesty) as my own in- 
vention. It consists simply in placing one leg 
of a tripod on the initial point, and opening out 
the other legs as far as possible. The distance 
between the legs is then measured by a two-foot 
rule and noted down ; and the tripod moved, so 
as to form a second triangle connected with the 
first, and so on, until the country to be triangu- 
lated has been entirely gone over. By using a 
large number of tripods, it is easily seen with 
what rapidity the work may be carried on ; and 
this was, in fact, the object of my requisition 
for so large a number of solar compasses, the 
tripod being in my opinion the only useful por- 
tion of that absurd instrument. Having given 
Lieut. Root charge of the triangulation and 
detached Mr. Jinkins with a small party on 
hydrographical duty (to sound a man's well, on 
the upper part of Dupont street, and report 
thereon), on the 5th of February I left the 
Plaza, with the savants and the remainder of my 
party, to commence the examination and survey 
of Kearny street. 

Besides the mules drawing the cart which 
carried the transit-instrument, I had procured 
two fine pack-mules, each of which carried two 
barrels of ale for the draftsmen. Following the 
tasteful example of that gallant gentleman 
who conducted the Dead Sea Expedition, and 
wishing likewise to pay a compliment to the 



8 Report on the Central Route. 

administration under which I was employed, I 
named the mules " Fanny Pierce " and " Fanny 
Bigler." Our cortege^ passing along Kearny 
street, attracted much attention from the natives ; 
indeed, our appearance was sufficiently im- 
posing to excite interest even in less untutored 
minds than those of these barbarians. 

First came the cart, bearing our instruments ; 
then a cart containing Lieut. Zero with a level, 
with which he constantly noted the changes of 
grade that might occur; then one hundred and 
fifty men, four abreast, armed to the teeth, each 
wheeling before him his personal property and 
a mountain howitzer; then the savants, each 
with note-book and pencil, constantly jotting 
down some object of interest, (Doctor Tush- 
maker was so zealous to do something that he 
pulled a tooth from an iron rake standing near 
a stable-door, and was cursed therefor by the 
illiberal proprietor,) and finally, the Chief Profes- 
sor, walking arm in arm with Dr. Dunshunner, 
and gazing from side to side with an air of 
ineffable blandness and dignity. 

I had made arrangements to measure the 
length of Kearny street by two methods ; first, 
by chaining its sidewalks, and secondly, by a little 
instrument of my invention called the " go-it- 
ometer." This last consists of a straight rod of 
brass, firmly strapped to a man's leg and con- 
nected with a system of clock-work placed on 
his back, with which it performs, when he 



Report on the Central Route. 9 

walks, the office of a ballistic pendulum. About 
one foot below the ornamental buttons on the 
man's back appears a dial-plate connected with 
the clock-work, on which is promptly registered, 
by an index, each step taken. Of course, the 
length of the step being known, the distance 
passed over in a day may be obtained by a very 
simple process. 

We arrived at the end of Kearny street, and 
encamped for the night about sundown, near a 
large brick building inhabited by a class of 
people called " The Orphans," who, I am 
credibly informed, have no fathers nor mothers. 
After seeing the camp properly arranged, the 
wheelbarrows parked and a guard detailed, I 
sent for the chainmen and go-it-ometer- 
bearer, to ascertain the distance travelled during 
the day. 

Judge of my surprise to find that the chain- 
men, having received no instructions, had simply 
drawn the chain after them through the streets, 
and had no idea of the distance whatever. 
Turning from them in displeasure, I took 
from the go-it-ometer the number of paces 
marked, and, on working the distance, found it 
to be four miles and a half. Upon close ques- 
tioning the bearer, William Boulder (called by 
his associates " Slippery Bill "), I ascertained 
that he had been in a saloon in the vicinity, and, 
after drinking five glasses of a beverage known 
among the natives as Lager B'ler^ had danced 



10 Report on the Central Route. 

a little for their amusement. Feeling very 
much dissatisfied with the day's survey, I 
stepped out of the camp, and, stopping an omni- 
bus, asked the driver how far he thought it to 
the Plaza. He replied, "Haifa mile;" which 
I accordingly noted down, and returned very 
much pleased at so easily obtaining so much 
valuable information. It would appear, there- 
fore, that " Slippery Bill," under the influence 
of five glasses (probably 2J^ quarts) of Lager 
Bier^ had actually danced four miles in a few 
moments. 



Kearny street, of which I present above a 
spirited engraving from a beautiful drawing by 
Mr. Kraut, is a pass, about fifty feet in width. 
The soil is loose and sandy, about one inch in 
depth ; below which Dr. Dunshunner discovered 
a stratum of white pine three inches in thick- 
ness, and beneath this again, sand. 

It is densely populated, and smells of horses. 
Its surface is intersected with many pools of 
sulphuretted protoxide of hydrogen, and we found 
several specimens of a vegetable substance, 
loosely distributed, which is classed by Mr. 
Weegates as the Stalkus cabbagiensis. 

It being late in the evening when our arrange- 
ments for encamping were completed, we saw 



Report on the Central Route. ii 

but little of the natives until the next morning, 
when they gathered about our camp to the 
number of eighteen. 

We were surprised to find them of diminutive 
stature, the tallest not exceeding three feet in 
height. They were excessively mischievous, 
and disposed to steal such trifling things as they 
could carry away. Their countenances are of 
the color of dirt, and their hair white and glossy 
as the silk of maize. The one that we took to 
be their chief was an exceedingly diminutive 
personage, but with a bald head which gave him 
a very venerable appearance. He was dressed 
in a dingy robe of jaconet, and was borne in the 
arms of one of his followers. On making them 
a speech, proposing a treaty, and assuring them 
of the protection of their great Father Pierce, 
the chief was affected to tears ; and, on being 
comforted by his followers, repeatedly exclaimed, 
" Da, da, — da, da; " which, we were informed 
by the interpreter, meant " father,'* and was in- 
tended as a respectful reference to the President. 
We presented him afterwards with some beads, 
hawk-bells and other presents, which he imme- 
diately thrust into his mouth, saying " Goo," 
and crowing like a cock; which was rendered 
by the interpreter into an expression of high 
satisfaction. All his followers having received 
presents from us, they at length departed, well 
pleased, and we shortly after took up our line of 
march. From the notes of Dr. Bigguns I 



12 Report on the Central Route. 

transcribe the following description of one of 
this deeply interesting people: 

** Kearny street native; name — Bill; — height, 
two feet nine inches; — hair, white; — complexion, 
dirt color; — eyes, blue; — no front teeth; — opal at 
extremity of nose; — dress, a basquine of bluish bom- 
bazine, with two gussets, ornamented down the front 
with crochet-work of molasses candy, three buttons 
on one side and eight buttonholes on the other — 
leggings of tow cloth, fringed at the bottoms and per- 
mitting free ventilation behind — one shoe and one 
boot; — occupation, erecting small pyramids of dirt 
and water; when asked what they were, replied 
* pies,' (a Spanish word, meaning feet; supposed 
they might be the feet or foundation of some barbarian 
structure) — religious belief, obscure; — when asked 
who made him, replied * Par ' (supposed to be the 
name of one of their principal deities)." 

We broke up our encampment and moved 
North by compass across Market street, on the 
morning of the 6th, and about noon had com- 
pleted the survey as far as the corner of Second 
street. 

While crossing Market street, being anxious 
to know the exact time, I concluded to deter- 
mine it by observation. Having removed the 
sidereal clock from the cart, and put it in the 
street, we placed the cart in the plane of the 
meridian, and I removed the eye and object- 
glass of the transit for the purpose of wiping 
them. While busily engaged in this manner, 
an individual, who, I have reason to believe, is 



Report on the Central Route. 13 

connected with a fire company, approached, and, 
seeing the large brazen tube of the transit 
pointed to the sky, mistook it for a huge speak- 
ing trumpet. Misled by this delusion, he 
mounted the cart, and in an awful tone of voice 
shouted through the transit, " TVash her^ Thir- 
teen!'" but having miscalculated the strength of 
his lungs, he was seized with a violent fit of 
coughing, and before he could be removed he had 
completely coughed the vertical hairs out of the 
instrument. I was in despair at this sudden 
destruction of the utility of our most valuable 
instrument ; but fortunately recollecting a grid- 
iron that we had among our kitchen apparatus, 
I directed Dr. Heavysterne to hold it up in the 
plane of the true meridian, and with an opera- 
glass watched and noted by the clock the pass- 
age of the sun's centre across the five bars. 
Having made these observations, I requested 
the principal computer to work them out, as I 
wished to ascertain the time immediately; but 
he replying that it would take some three months 
to do it, I concluded not to wait, but sent a man 
into the grocery, corner of Market and Second, 
to inquire the time. The desired information 
was quickly obtained. It may be thought singu- 
lar that, with so many gold watches in our 
party, we should ever be found at a loss to 
ascertain the time; but the fact is, I had 
directed every one of our employees to set his 
watch by Greenwich mean time, which, though 



14 Report on the Central Route. 



excellent to give one the longitude, is for ordi- 
nary purposes the meanest time that can be found. 

A distressing casualty that befell Dr. Bigguns 
on this occasion may be found worthy of 
record. An omnibus, passing during the time 
of observation, was driven carelessly near 
our sidereal clock, with which it almost 
came into contact. Dr. Bigguns, with a slight 
smile, remarked that " the clock was nearly run 
down^^ and immediately fainted away. The 
pursuits of science cannot be delayed by acci- 
dents of this nature; two of the workmen re- 
moved our unfortunate friend, at once, to the 
Orphan Asylum, where, having rung the bell, 
they left him on the steps and departed, and we 
never saw him afterwards. 

From the corner of Market to the corner of 
Second and Folsom streets, the route presents 
no object of interest worthy of mention. We 
were forced to the conclusion, however, that 
little throwing of stones prevails near the latter 
point, as the inhabitants mostly live in glass 
houses. On the 8th we had brought the survey 
nearly up to Southwick's Pass on Folsom street, 
and we commenced going through the pass on 
the morning of the 9th. This pass consists of 
a rectangular ravine, about 10 feet in length, 
the sides lined with pine boards with a white 
oak {^uercus albus) bar that at certain occasions 
forms across, entirely obstructing the whole 
route. We found no difficulty in getting through 



Report on the Central Route. 15 

the pass with the wheelbarrows; but the mule- 
carts and the " two Fannies " were more 
troublesome, and we were finally unable to 
get them through without a considerable pe- 
cuniary disbursement, amounting in all to one 
dollar and fifty cents (;^i.5o). We under- 
stand that the city of San Francisco is de- 
sirous of effecting a safe and free passage 
through this celebrated canon, but a large appro- 
priation (;^220,ooo) is required for the purpose. 
The following passages relating to this portion 
of the route, transcribed from the geological 
notes of Dr. Dunshunner, though not directly 
connected with the objects of the survey, are 
extremely curious in a scientific point of view, 
and may be of interest to the general reader. 

**The country in the vicinity of the route, after 
leaving Southwick's Pass, is very productive, and J 
observed with astonishment that red-headed children 
appear to grow spontaneously. A building was 
pointed out to me, near our line of march, as the 
locale of a most astounding agricultural and architec- 
tural phenomenon, which illustrates the extreme fer- 
tility of the soil. A small pine wardrobe, which 
had been left standing by the side of the house (a 
frame cottage with a piazza), at the commencement 
of the rainy season, took root, and in a few weeks 
grew to the prodigious height of thirty feet, and, 
still preserving its proportions and characteristic ap- 
pearance, extended in each direction until it covered 
a space of ground some forty by twenty feet in 
measurement. 



i6 Report on the Central Route. 

** This singular phenomenon was taken advantage 
of by the proprietors ; doors and windows were cut 
in the wardrobe, a chimney erected, and it now an- 
swers every purpose of an addition to the original 
cottage, being two stories in height ! This, doubt- 
less, appears almost incredible ; but fortunately the 
house and attached wardrobe may be seen any day, 
from the road, at a trifling expense of omnibus hire. 
Some distance beyond, rises a noble structure, 
built entirely of cut-wood, called * The Valley 
House, by Mrs. Hubbard.' Not imagining that 
a venial species of profanity was conveyed by this 
legend, I concluded that Mrs. Hubbard was simply 
the proprietor. This brought to my mind the 
beautiful lines of a primitive poet, Spenser,* if I mis- 
take not : 

* Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 
To get her poor dog a bone ; 
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, 
And so the poor dog got none.' 

'* Feeling curious to ascertain if this could, by any 
possibility, be the ancient residence of the heroine of 
these lines, perchance an ancestress of the present 
proprietor, I ventured to call and inquire ; and my 
antiquarian zeal was rewarded by the information that 
such was the case ; and that if I returned at a later 
hour during the evening, I could be allowed a sight 
of the closet and a view of the skeleton of the origi- 
nal dog. Delighted with my success, 1 returned 
accordingly, and, finding the door closed, ventured to 
knock; when a sudden shower of rain fell, lasting but 
about five seconds, but drenching me to the skin. 
Undeterred by this contretemps ^ I elevated my um- 

*The Doctor is in error; the lines quoted are from Chaucer. J.P, 



Report on the Central Route. 17 

brella and knocked again, loudly, when a violent 
concussion upon the umbrella, accompanied by a thrill 
down the handle which caused me to seat myself pre- 
cipitately in a bucket by the side of the door, con- 
vinced me that electrical phenomena of an unusual 
character were prevalent, and decided me to return 
with all speed to our encampment. Here I was 
astounded by discovering, inverted on the summit 
of my umbrella, a curious and deeply interesting vase 
of singularly antique shape, and composed, apparently, 
of white porcelain. Whether this vase fell from the 
moon, a comet, or a passing meteor, I have not yet 
decided ; drawings of it are being prepared, and the 
whole subject will receive my thorough investigation 
at an early day.* 

"I subsequently attempted to pursue my investiga- 
tions at the * Valley House ; ' but the curt manner of 
the proprietor led me to suspect that the subject was 
distasteful, and I was reluctandy compelled to abandon 
it. 

** Near the * Valley House,' I observed an adver- 
tisement of *The Mountain View,' by P. Buckley ; 
but the building in which it is exhibited being closed, 
I had no opportunity to judge of the merits of the 
painting or the skill of Mr. Buckley as an artist. A 
short distance farther, I discovered a small house oc- 
cupied by a gentleman who appeared engaged in 
some description of traffic with the emigrants ; and, 
on watching his motions intently, my surprise was 
great to find that his employment consisted in selling 

* This curious antique, to which I have given the name of the 
" Dunshunner Vase," has singularly the appearance of a wash- 
basin. When the drawings are completed, it is to be presented to 
the California Academy of Natural Sciences. J. P. 



1 8 Report on the Central Route. 

them small pieces of pasteboard at fifty cents apiece ! 
Curious to know the nature of these valuable bits ot 
paper, I watched carefully the proprietor's motions 
through a window for some hours ; but being at 
length observed by him, I was requested to leave — 
and I left. This curious subject is, therefore, I regret 
to say, enwrapped in mystery, and I reluctantly leave 
it for the elucidation of some future savant. The 
beautiful idea, originated by Col. Benton, that buffa- 
loes and other wild animals are the pioneer engineers, 
and that subsequent explorations can discover no bet- 
ter roads than those selected by them, would appear 
to apply admirably to the Central Route. Many 
pigs, singly and in droves, met and passed me contin- 
ually ; and as the pig is unquestionably a more saga- 
cious animal than the buffalo, their preference for this 
route is a most significant fact. I was, moreover, in- 
formed by the emigrants that this route was * the one 
followed by Col. Fremont when he lost his men.* 
This statement must be received cum grano sails, as, 
on my inquiry — * What men ? ' my informant re- 
plied, * A box of chessmen ; ' which answer, from its 
levity, threw an air of doubt over the whole piece 
of information, in my mind. There can be no ques- 
tion, however, that Lieut. Beale has frequently trav- 
elled this route, and that it was a favorite with him ; 
indeed, I am informed that he took the first omnibus 
over it that ever left San Francisco for the Mission ot 
Dolores. 

**The climate in these latitudes is mild ; snow ap- 
pears to be unknown, and we saw but little ice ; what 
there was being sold at twenty-five cents per lb. 

**The geological formation of the country is not 
volcanic. I saw but one small specimen of trap dur- 



Report on the Central Route. 19 

ing the march, which I observed at the * Valley 
House,' with a mouse in it. From the vast accu- 
mulations of sand in these regions, I am led to adopt 
the opinions of the ethnologists of the * California 
Academy of Natural Sciences,' and conclude that the 
original name of this territory was Sand Francisco, 
from which the final * d ' in the prefix has been lost 
by time, like the art of painting on glass. 

** Considering the innumerable villages of pigs to 
be found located on the line of march, and the conse- 
quent effect produced on the atmosphere, I would re- 
spectfully suggest to the chief engineer the propriety 
of changing the name of the route by a slight altera- 
tion in the orthography, giving it the appropriate and 
euphonious tide of the * ScentvdX R. R. Route.' 
** Respectfully submitted, 
"ABRAHAM DUNSHUNNER, LL. D. 

'*P. G. C. R. R. R. S." 

From Southwick's Pass the survey was con- 
tinued with unabated ardor until the evening of 
the 1 0th instant, when we arrived opposite 
Mrs. Freeman's " American Eagle," where we 
encamped. From this point a botanical party 
under Prof. Weegates was sent over the hills to 
the S. and W. for exploration. They returned 
on the 1 1 th, bringing a box of sardines, a tin 
can of preserved whortleberries, and a bottle of 
whiskey, as specimens of the products of the 
country over which they had passed. They 
reported discovering on the old plank road, an 
inn or hostel kept by a native American Irish- 
man whose sign exhibited the harp of Ireland 



20 Report on the Central Route. 

encircling the shield of the United States, with 
the mottoes, 

** Erin go unum, 
E Pluribus bragh." 

On the 14th, the party arrived in good health 
and excellent spirits at the " Nightingale,** 
Mission of Dolores. 

History informs us, that 

**The Nightingale club at the village was held. 
At the sign of the Cabbage and Shears." 

It is interesting to the antiquarian to look over 
the excellent cabbage-garden, still extant imme- 
diately opposite the Nightingale, and much 
more so to converse with Mr. Shears, the re- 
spected and urbane proprietor. 

The survey and reconnoissance being finished 
on our arrival at the Mission, it may be expected 
that I should here give a full and impartial 
statement as to the merits or demerits of the 
route in connection with the proposed railroad. 

Some three months must elapse, however, 
before this can be done, as the triangulation has 
yet to be perfectly computed, the sub-reports 
examined and compiled, the observations worked 
out, and the maps and drawings executed. Be- 
sides, I have received a letter from certain par- 
ties interested in the Southern and the Northern 
routes, informing me that if I suspend my 
opinion on the Central for the present, it 
will be greatly to my interest ; and as my in- 



Report on the Central Route. 21 

terest is certainly my principal consideration, I 
shall undoubtedly comply with their request, 
unless, indeed, greater inducement is offered to 
the contrary. 

Meanwhile I can assure the public that a 
great deal may certainly be said in favor of the 
Central route. A full report accompanied by 
maps, charts, sub-reports, diagrams, calculations, 
tables and statistics, may be expected shortly. 

Profiles of Prof. Heavysterne, Dr. Dunshun- 
ner and myself, executed in black court-plaster 
by Mr. Jinkins, R. A., one of the artists of the 
expedition, in his unrivalled style of elegance, 
may be seen for a short time at Messrs. Le Count 
& Strong's; scale, ly^ inch to i foot. 

In conclusion I beg leave to return my thanks 
to the professors, assistants, and artists of the 
expedition, for the energy, fidelity and zeal 
with which they have ever co-operated with me 
and seconded my efforts ; and to assure them 
that I shall be happy at any time to sit for my 
portrait for them, or to accept the handsome 
service of plate which I am told they have pre- 
pared for me, but feel too much delicacy to 
speak to me about. 

I remain, with the highest respect and esteem 
for myself and everybody else, 

JOHN PHCENIX, A. M., 

Chief Engineer and Astronomer, S.F. A.M.D.C.R. 

The annexed sketch of our route, prepared 
by Mr. Jinkins and Kraut, is respectfully sub- 



22 Report on the Central Route. 

mitted to the public. It is not, of course, com- 
piled with that accuracy which will characterize 
our final maps ; but for the ordinary purposes 
of travel will be found sufficiently correct. 

J. P., A. M. C. E. & C. A. 

RECONNOISSANCE 

OF THK 

CENTRAL RAILROAD ROUTE, 

FROM 

SAN PRANCISCO TO THE MISSION OF DOLORES, 
By Prof. John Phoenix, Esq., A. M. dt. C. A. db C. E. 

DBAWN BY KRAUT JLND JINKIN8, K. A., ABTI8T8 TO THK EXPEDITION. 



Pin KEARNY STREET. H^^^^ 

r^-- ■ "■ 1 7 8 3 4 6 7 5 1 ^ \ / 

OrphuDB, 

Note— The eoundingi are in fathoms, showing the depth of mud and water during the rainy 
season. 





MAR 


K E T 


STREET. 


A.. 


(a) Represents a man walking down the street at the time of the passage of the Expedition. 


B 


SEC 


O N D 


STREET. 





F O L S O M 



(a) 



STREET. 

Nightingale. 



(a) Southwick's Pass. 
E. Ealfrtd Jinkint, Del. A. Kravi, 8eu!p. 



A New System of English 
Grammar. 

I HAVE often thought that the adjectives 
of the English language were not suffi- 
ciently definite for the purposes of de- 
scription. They have but three degrees 
of comparison; a very insufficient num- 
ber, certainly, when we consider that they are 
to be applied to a thousand objects, which, 
though of the same general class or quality, 
differ from each other by a thousand different 
shades or degrees of the same peculiarity. 
Thus, though there are three hundred and sixty- 
five days in a year, all of which must, from the 
nature of things, differ from each other in the 
matter of climate, — we have but half a dozen 
expressions to convey to one another our ideas 
of this inequality. We say, " It is a fine 
day," " It is a very fine day," " It is the finest 
day we have seen;" or, "It is an unpleasant 
day," "a very unpleasant day," "the most 
unpleasant day we ever saw." But it is plain 
that none of these expressions give an exact idea 
of the nature of the day, and the two superlative 
expressions are generally untrue. I once heard 

23 



24 A New System of English Grammar. 

a gentleman remark, on a rainy, snowy, windy 
and (in the ordinary English language) inde- 
scribable day, that it was "most preposterous 
weather." He came nearer to giving a correct 
idea of it than he could have done by any ordi- 
nary mode of expression; but his description 
was not sufficiently definite. 

Again, we say of a lady, " She is beauti- 
ful," " She is very beautiful,'* or " She is per- 
fectly beautiful," — descriptions, which, to one 
who never saw her, are no descriptions at all; 
for, among thousands of women he has seen, 
probably no two are equally beautiful ; and as 
to a perfectly beautiful woman, he knows that no 
such being was ever created — unless by G. P. 
R. James, for one of the two horsemen to fall 
in love with, and marry at the end of the second 
volume. 

If I meet Smith in the street, and ask him — 
as I am pretty sure to — how he does, 
he infallibly replies, " Tolerable, thank you.** 
This gives me no exact idea of Smith's 
health; for he has made the same reply to me 
on a hundred different occasions, on every one 
of which there must have been some slight shade 
of difference in his physical economy and, of 
course, a corresponding change in his feelings. 

To a man of a mathematical turn of mind, 
to a student and lover of the exact sciences, 
these inaccuracies of expression, this inability 
to understand exactly how things are, must be a 



A New System of English Grammar. 25 

constant source of annoyance; and to one who, 
like myself, unites this turn of mind to an ardent 
love of truth for its own sake, the reflection 
that the English language does not enable us to 
speak the truth with exactness is peculiarly 
painful. For this reason I have, with some 
trouble, made myself thoroughly acquainted with 
every ancient and modern language, in the hope 
that I might find some one of them that would 
enable me to express my ideas precisely; but 
the same insufficiency of adjectives exists in all 
except that of the Flathead Indians of Puget 
Sound. This language consists of but forty-six 
words, mostly nouns; to the constant use of 
which exists the objection that nobody but that 
tribe can understand it. And as the literary and 
scientific advancement of the Flatheads is not 
such as to make a residence among them de- 
sirable, I have abandoned the use of their 
language, in the belief that for me it is Hyas 
cultus^ or, as the Spaniard hath it, no me vale 
nada. 

Despairing, therefore, of making new discov- 
eries in foreign languages, I have set myself 
seriously to work to reform our own; and have, 
I think, made an important discovery, which, 
when developed into a system and universally 
adopted, will give a precision of expression and 
a consequent clearness of idea that will leave 
little to be desired, and will, I modestly hope, 
immortalize my humble name as the promul- 



26 A New System of English Grammar. 

gator of the truth and the benefactor of the 
human race. 

Before entering upon my system I will give 
you an account of its discovery (perhaps I 
might with more modesty term it an adaptation 
and enlargement of the idea of another), which 
will surprise you by its simplicity, and, like the 
method of standing eggs on end, of Columbus, 
the inventions of printing, gunpowder and the 
mariner's compass, prove another exemplifica- 
tion of the truth of Hannah More*s beautifully 
expressed sentiment: — 

** Large streams from little fountains flow. 
Large aches from little toe-corns grow.*' 

During the past week my attention was at- 
tracted by a large placard embellishing the cor- 
ners of our streets, headed in mighty capitals 
with the word " Phrenology," and illustrated 
by a map of a man's head, closely shaven and 
laid off in lots duly numbered from one to 
forty-seven. Beneath this edifying illustration 
appeared a legend, informing the inhabitants of 
San Diego and vicinity that Professor Dodge 
had arrived, and taken rooms (which was inac- 
curate, as he had but one room) at the Gyascu- 
tus House, where he would be happy to examine 
their heads and furnish them with charts show- 
ing the moral and intellectual endowments, at 
the low price of three dollars each. 

Always gratified with an opportunity of spend- 



A New System of English Grammar. 27 

ing my money and making scientific researches, 
I immediately had my hair cut and carefully 
combed, and hastened to present myself and my 
head to the Professor's notice. I found him a 
tall and thin professor, in a suit of rusty, not to 
say seedy, black, with a closely buttoned vest, 
and no perceptible shirt-collar or wristbands. 
His nose was red, his spectacles were blue, and 
he wore a brown wig, beneath which, as I sub- 
sequently ascertained, his bald head was laid off 
in[ lots marked and numbered with Indian ink 
after the manner of the diagram upon his adver- 
tisement. Upon a small table lay many little 
books with yellow covers, several of the pla- 
cards, pen and ink, a pair of iron calipers with 
brass knobs, and six dollars in silver. Having 
explained the object of my visit, and increased 
the pile of silver by six half-dollars (whereat 
the Professor smiled, and I observed he wore 
false teeth — scientific men always do; they 
love to encourage art) I was placed in a chair. 
The Professor, rapidly manipulating my head 
after the manner of a sham pooh (I am not cer- 
tain as to the orthography of this expression), 
said that my temperament was " lymphatic, 
nervous, bilious." I remarked that I thought 
myself dyspeptic; but he made no reply. Then, 
seizing on the calipers, he embraced my head 
with them in various places, and made notes upon 
a small card that lay near him on the table. 
He then stated that my hair was getting very 



28 A New System of English Grammar. 

thin on the top, placed in my hand one of the 
yellow-covered books, an almanac containing 
anecdotes about the virtues of Dodge's Hair 
Invigorator, and, recommending it to my perusal, 
remarked that he was agent for the sale of this 
wonderful fluid, and urged me to purchase a 
bottle ; price, two dollars. Perceiving my will- 
ingness to purchase, the Professor produced a 
bottle from a hair trunk standing in the corner. 
The trunk, he stated, by the way, was originally 
an ordinary pine box, on which the hair had grown 
since the Invigorator had been placed in it. 
He recommended me to be cautious and wear 
gloves while rubbing it upon my head, as un- 
happy accidents had occurred; the hair grow- 
ing freely from the ends of the fingers if used 
with the bare hand. He then seated himself at 
the table, and, rapidly filling up what appeared 
to me a blank certificate, he soon handed over 
the following singular document : 

** Phrenological Chart of the Head of M. 
John Phcenix, by Flatbroke B. Dodge, Professor 
of Phrenology, and inventor and proprietor of Dodge's 
celebrated Hair Invigorator, Stimulator of the Con- 
science and Arouser of the Mental Faculties: 



Temperament, — Lymphatic y Nervous, Bilious, 


Size of Head, 1 1 . 


Imitation, 1 1 . 


Amativeness, ii^. 


Self-esteem, ^. 


Caution, 3. 


Benevolence, 12. 


Combativeness, 2^/^. 


Mirth, I. 


Credulity, i. 


Language, i 2. 



A New System of English Grammar. 29 

Causality, 12. Firmness, 2. 

Conscientiousness, 12. Veneration, 12. 

Destructiveness, 9. Philoprogenitiveness, o." 
Hope, 10. 

Having gazed on this in mute astonishment 
for a few moments — during which the Profes- 
sor took a glass of brandy and water, and 
afterwards a mouthful of tobacco — I turned to 
him and requested an explanation. 

" Why," said he, " it's very simple ; the 
number 12 is the maximum, i the minimum. 
For instance, you are as benevolent as a man 
can be; therefore I mark you. Benevolence, 
12. You have little or no self-esteem; hence 
I place you. Self-esteem, ^. You've scarcely 
any credulity — don't you see ? " 

I did see ! This was my discovery. I saw 
at a flash how the English language was sus- 
ceptible of improvement, and, fired with the 
glorious idea, I rushed from the room and the 
house. Heedless of the Professor's request that 
I would buy more of his Invigorator, heedless 
of his alarmed cry that I would pay for the 
bottle I'd got, heedless that I tripped on the 
last step of the Gyascutus House and smashed 
there the precious fluid (the step has now a 
growth of four inches of hair on it, and the 
people use it as a door-mat), I rushed home, 
and never grew calm till with pen, ink and 
paper before me, I commenced the development 
of my system. 



30 A New System of English Grammar. 

This system — shall I say this great system? 
— is exceedingly simple, and easily explained in 
a few words. In the first place, figures won't 
lie. Let us, then, represent by the number lOO, 
the maximum, the ne plus ultra of every human 
quality, — grace, beauty, courage, strength, wis- 
dom, learning — everything. Let perfection, I 
say, be reJ3resented by lOO, and an absolute min- 
imum of all qualities by the number i. Then, 
by applying the numbers between to the adjec- 
tives used in conversation, we shall be able to 
arrive at a very close approximation to the idea 
we wish to convey; in other words, we shall be 
enabled to speak the truth. Glorious, soul- 
inspiring idea ! For instance, the most ordinary 
question asked of you is, " How do you do ? *' 
To this, instead of replying, " Pretty well,** 
" Very well," " Quite well," or the like absurd- 
ities — after running through your mind that 
perfection of health is lOO, no health at all, i — 
you say, with a graceful bow, " Thank you, 
Pm 52 to-day;" or, feeling poorly, " Pm 13, 
Pm obliged to you;" or " Tm 68," or "75," 
or "87^," as the case may be. Do you see 
how very close in this way you may approxi- 
mate to the truth; and how clearly your ques- 
tioner will understand what he so anxiously 
wishes to arrive at, — your exact state of health ? 

Let this system be adopted into our ele- 
ments of grammar, our conversation, our liter- 
ature, and we become at once an exact, precise, 



A New System of English Grammar. 31 

mathematical, truth-telling people. It will 
apply to everything but politics; there, truth 
being of no account, the system is useless. 
But in literature, how admirable ! Take an 
example. 

As a 19 young and 76 beautiful lady was 
52 gaily tripping down the sidewalk of our 84 
frequented street, she accidentally came in con- 
tact 100 (this shows that she came in close 
contact) with a 73 fat, but 87 good-humored- 
looking gentleman, who was 93 (i. e. intently) 
gazing into the window of a toy-shop. Grace- 
fully 56 extricating herself, she received the 
excuses of the 96 embarrassed Falstaff with a 
68 bland smile, and continued on her way. 
But hardly 7 had she reached the corner 
of the block ere she was overtaken by a 24 
young man, 32 poorly dressed, but of an 85 
expression of countenance; 91 hastily touching 
her 54 beautifully rounded arm, he said, to her 
67 surprise, — 

" Madam, at the window of the toy-shop 
yonder, you dropped this bracelet, which I had 
the 71 good fortune to observe, and now have 
the 94 happiness to hand to you." (Of course, 
the expression " 94 happiness " is merely the 
young man's polite hyperbole.) 

Blushing with 76 modesty, the lovely (76, as 
before, of course) lady took the bracelet, 
which was a 24 magnificent diamond clasp 
("24 magnificent," playfully sarcastic; it was 



32 



A New System of English Grammar. 



probably not one of Tucker's), from the young 
man's hand, and 84 hesitatingly drew from her 
beautifully 38 embroidered reticule a 67 porte- 
monnaie. The young man noticed the action, 
and 73 proudly drawing back, added, — 

" Do not thank me; the pleasure of gazing 
for an instant at those 100 eyes (perhaps too 
exaggerated a compliment), has already more 
than compensated me for any trouble that I 
might have had." 

She thanked him, however, and with a 67 deep 
blush and a 48 pensive air, turned from him, and 
pursued with a 33 slow step her promenade. 

This is but the commencement of a pretty 
little tale which I might throw ofF, if I had a 
mind to, showing in two volumes, or forty-eight 
chapters of thrilling interest, how the young 
man sought the girl's acquaintance, how the 
interest first excited deepened into love, how 
they suffered much from the opposition of 
parents (her parents of course), and how, after 
much trouble, annoyance and many perilous 
adventures, they were finally married ; their 
happiness, of course, being represented by 
100. But I trust that I have said enough to 
recommend my system to the good and truthful 
of the literary world; and besides, just at pres- 
ent I have something of more immediate im- 
portance to attend to. 

You would hardly believe it, but that ever- 
lasting (100) scamp of a professor has brought 



A New System of English Grammar. 33 

a suit against me for stealing a bottle of his 
disgusting Invigorator ; and as the suit comes 
ofF before a Justice of the Peace, whose only- 
principle of law is to find guilty and fine any 
accused person whom he thinks has any money 
(because if he don*t he has to take his costs 
in county scrip), it behooves me to take time 
by the fore-lock. So, for the present, adieu. 
Should my system succeed to the extent of my 
hopes and expectations, I shall publish my new 
grammar early in the ensuing month, with suit- 
able dedication and preface ; and should you, 
with your well-known liberality, publish my 
prospectus, and give me a handsome literary 
notice, I shall be pleased to furnish a presenta- 
tion copy to each of the little Pioneer children. 
P. S. I regret to add that having just read 
this article to Mrs. Phoenix, and asked her 
opinion thereon, she replied, that if a first-rate 
magazine article were represented by 100, she 
should judge this to be about 13; or if the 
quintessence of stupidity were 100, she should 
take this to be in the neighborhood of 96. 
This, as a criticism, is perhaps, a little discour- 
aging; but as an exemplification of the merits 
of my system it is exceedingly flattering. How 
could she, I should like to know, in ordinary 
language, have given so exact and truthful an 
idea; how expressed so forcibly her opinion 
(which, of course, differs from mine) on the 
subject ? 



34 A New System of English Grammar. 

As Dr. Samuel Johnson learnedly remarked 
to James Boswell, Laird of Auchinleck, on a 
certain occasion, — 

" Sir, the proof of the pudding is in the eat- 
ing thereof." 



^^Ingomar" and ^^The Plains." 

San Diego, July lo, 1854. 

AS your valuable work is not sup- 
posed to be so entirely identified 
with San Franciscan interests as 
to be careless what takes place in 
other portions of this great kedntry^ 
and as it is received and read in San Diego 
with great interest (I have loaned my copy to 
over four different literary gentlemen, most of 
whom have read some of it), I have thought 
it not improbable that a few critical notices of 
the musical performances and the drama of this 
place might be acceptable to you and interest 
your readers. I have been encouraged to this 
task, moreover, by the perusal of your inter- 
esting musical and theatrical critiques on San 
Francisco performers and performances; as I 
feel convinced that, if you devote so much space 
to them, you will not allow any little feeling of 
rivalry between the two great cities to prevent 
your noticing ours, which, without the slightest 
feeling of prejudice, I must consider as infinitely 
superior. I propose this month to call your 

35 



36 "Ingomar" and "The Plains." 

attention to the two great events in our theat- 
rical and musical world : the appearance of 
the talented Miss Pelican and the production 
of Tarbox's celebrated " Ode Symphonie " of 
" The Plains." 

The critiques on the former are from the 
columns of The Vallecitos Sentinel^ to which they 
were originally contributed by me, appearing on 
the respective dates of June ist and June 31st. 

From the Vallecitos Sentinel, June ist. 

Miss Pelican. — Never during our dramatic ex- 
perience, has a more exciting event occurred than the 
sudden bursting upon our theatrical firmament, full, 
blazing, unparalleled, of the bright, resplendent and 
particular star whose honored name shines refulgent 
at the head of this article. Coming among us un- 
heralded, almost unknown, without claptrap, in a 
wagon drawn by oxen across the plains, with no 
agent to get up a counterfeit enthusiasm in her favor, 
she appeared before us for the first time at the San 
Diego Lyceum, last evening, in the trying and diffi- 
cult character of Ingomar, or the Tame Savage. We 
are at a loss to describe our sensations, our admiration 
of her magnificent, her superhuman efforts. We do 
not hesitate to say that she is by far the superior of 
any living actress; and, as we believe hers to be the 
perfection of acting, we cannot be wrong in the be- 
lief that no one hereafter will ever be found to ap- 
proach her. Her conception of the character of Ingo- 
mar was perfection itself; her playful and ingenuous 
manner, her light girlish laughter, in the scene with 
Sir Peter, showed an appreciation of the savage char- 



"Ingomar" and "The Plains." 37 

acter which nothing but the most arduous study, the 
most elaborate training, could produce ; while her 
awful change to the stern, unyielding, uncompromis- 
ing father, in the tragic scene of Duncan's murder, was 
indeed nature itself. Miss Pelican is about seventeen 
years of age, of miraculous beauty, and most thrilling 
voice. It is needless to say that she dresses admira- 
bly, as in fact we have said all we can say when we 
called her most truthfully, perfection. Mr. John Boots 
took the part of Parthenia very creditably, etc., etc. 

From the Vallecitos Sentinel^ Ju7ie J 1st. 

Miss Pelican. — As this lady is about to leave us 
to commence an engagement on the San Francisco 
stage, we should regret exceedingly if anything we 
have said about her, should send with her a prestige 
which might be found undeserved on trial. The fact 
is. Miss Pelican is a very ordinary actress; indeed, 
one of the most indifferent ones we ever happened to 
see. She came here from the Museum at Fort Lara- 
mie, and we praised her so injudiciously that she be- 
came completely spoiled. She has performed a round 
of characters, during the last week, very miserably, 
though we are bound to confess that her performance 
of King Lear, last evening, was superior to anything 
of the kind we ever saw. Miss Pelican is about 
forty-three years of age, singularly plain in her per- 
sonal appearance, awkward and embarrassed, with a 
cracked and squeaking voice, and really dresses quite 
outrageously. She has much to learn, poor thing! 

I take it the above notices are rather ingeni- 
ous. The fact is, Fm no judge of acting, and 
don't know how Miss Pelican will turn out. 



38 "Ingomar" and "The Plains." 

If well, why there's my notice of June the ist; 
if ill, then June 31st comes in play, and, as there 
is but one copy of the Sentinel printed, it's an 
easy matter to destroy the incorrect one. Both 
can't be wrong; so I've made a sure thing of it 
in any event. Here follows my musical cri- 
tique, which I flatter myself is of rather superior 
order. 

The Plains. Ode Symphonie par Jabez 
Tarbox. — This glorious composition was pro- 
duced at the San Diego Odeon, on the 31st of 
June, ult., for the first time in this or any other 
country, by a very full orchestra (the perform- 
ance taking place immediately after supper), 
and a chorus composed of the entire " Sauer- 
Kraut Verein," the "Wee-Gates Association," 
and choice selections from the " Gyascutus " 
and " Pikeharmonic " societies. The solos 
were rendered by Herr Tuden Links, the recita- 
tions by Herr von Hyden Schnapps, both per- 
formers being assisted by Messrs. John Smith 
and Joseph Brown, who held their coats, fanned 
them, and furnished water during the more over- 
powering passages. 

" The Plains " we consider the greatest musi- 
cal achievement that has been presented to an 
enraptured public. Like Waterloo among bat- 
tles. Napoleon among warriors, Niagara among 
falls, and Peck among senators, this magnificent 
composition stands among oratorios, operas, 
musical melodramas and performances of Ethi- 



"Ingomar" and "The Plains." 



39 



opian Serenaders, peerless and unrivalled. // 
frappe toute chose parfaitement froid. 

" It does not depend for its success " upon 
its plot, its theme, its school or its master, for 
it has very little if any of them ; but upon its 
soul-subduing, all-absorbing, high-faluting effect 
upon the audience, every member of which 
it causes to experience the most singular and 
exquisite sensations. Its strains at times re- 
mind us of those of the old master of the steamer 
McKim, who never went to sea without being 
unpleasantly affected; — a straining after effect, 
he used to term it. Blair, in his Lectures on 
Rhetoric, and Mill, in his Syste«fr of Logic (p. 31), 
have referred to the feeling which might be pro- 
duced in the human mind by something of this 
transcendentally sublime description; but it has 
remained for M. Tarbox, in the production of 
The Plains, to call this feeling forth. 

The symphonic opens upon the wide and 
boundless plains, in longitude 115° W., latitude 
35° 21 ' 03' ' N., and about sixty miles from the 
west bank of Pitt River. These data are beau- 
tifully and clearly expressed by a long (topograph- 
ically) drawn note from an Eb clarinet. The 
sandy nature of the soil, sparsely dotted with 
bunches of cactus and artemisia, the extended 
view, flat, and unbroken to the horizon save by 
the rising smoke in the extreme verge, denoting 
the vicinity of a Piute village, are represented 
by the bass drum. A few notes on the piccolo 



40 "Ingomar" and "The Plains." 

call the attention to a solitary antelope, picking 
up mescal beans in the foreground. The sun, 
having an altitude of 36° 27 ', blazes down upon 
the scene in indescribable majesty. " Gradually 
the sounds roll forth in a song " of rejoicing to 
the god of day : — 

** Of thy intensity 
And great immensity 

Now then we sing ; 
Beholding in gratitude 
Thee in this latitude. 

Curious thing." 

Which swells out into " Hey Jim along, Jim 
along Josey," then decrescendo^ mas menos^ poco 
poquita^ dies away and dries up. 

Suddenly we hear approaching a train from 
Pike County, consisting of seven families, with 
forty-six wagons, each drawn by thirteen oxen. 
Each family consists of a man in butternut- 
colored clothing driving the oxen, a wife in 
butternut-colored clothing riding in the wagon, 
holding a butternut baby, and seventeen butter- 
nut children running promiscuously about the 
establishment; all are barefooted, dusty, and 
smell unpleasantly. (These circumstances are 
expressed by pretty rapid fiddling for some min- 
utes, winding up with a puff from the ophicleide 
played by an intoxicated Teuton with an atrocious 
breath. It is impossible to misunderstand the 
description.) Now rises o'er the plains,in mellif- 
luous accents, the grand Pike County chorus : — 



"Ingomar" and "The Plains.'' 41 

** Oh, we'll soon be thar 
In the land of gold. 
Through the forest old. 
O'er the mounting cold. 
With spirits bold — 
Oh, we come, we come. 
And we'll soon be thar. 
Gee up Bolly ! whoo, up, whoo haw!" 

The train now encamps. The unpacking of 
the kettles and mess-pans, the unyoking of the 
oxen, the gathering about the various camp-fires, 
the frizzling of the pork, are so clearly expressed 
by the music that the most untutored savage 
could readily comprehend it. Indeed, so vivid 
and lifelike was the representation that a lady, 
sitting near us, involuntarily exclaimed aloud, 
at a certain passage, " Thar^ that pork's burn- 
ing ! " It was truly interesting to watch the 
gratified expression on her face when, by a few 
notes of the guitar, the pan was removed from 
the fire and the blazing pork extinguished. 

This is followed by the beautiful aria^ — 

** O ! marm, I want a pancake!" 

followed by that touching recitative^ — 

" Shet up, or I will spank you!" 

To which succeeds a grand crescendo move- 
ment representing the flight of the child with the 
pancake, the pursuit of the mother, and the final 
arrest and summary punishment of the former, 
represented by rapid strokes of the castanets. 



42 "Ingomar" and "The Plains." 

The turning in for the night follows; and 
the deep and stertorous breathing of the encamp- 
ment is well given by the bassoon, while the 
sufferings and trials of an unhappy father with 
an unpleasant infant are touchingly set forth by 
the cornet-a-pistons. 

Part Second. — The night attack of the Pi- 
utes, the fearful cries of the demoniac Indians, 
the shrieks of the females and children, the rapid 
and effective fire of the rifles, the stampede of 
the oxen, their recovery and the final repulse 
of the Piutes after a loss of thirty-six killed 
and wounded, while the Pikes lose but one scalp 
(from an old fellow who wore a wig, and lost it 
in the scuffle), are faithfully given, and excite the 
most intense interest in the minds of the hearers; 
the emotions of fear, admiration and delight, suc- 
ceeding each other in their minds with almost pain- 
ful rapidity. Then follows the grand chorus, — 

** Oh ! we gin them fits. 
The Ingen Utahs; 
With our six-shooters 
We gin 'em pertickuler fits." 

After which, we have the charming recitative 
of Herr Tuden Links to the infant, which is 
really one of the most charming gems in the 
performance : — 

** Now, dern your skin, canU you be easy?'* 

Morning succeeds. The sun rises magnifi- 
cently (octavo-flute) ; breakfast is eaten in 



" Ingomar " AND " The Plains." 43 

a rapid movement in three sharps; the oxen are 
caught and yoked up by a small drum and 
triangle; the watches, purses, and other valuables 
of the conquered Piutes, are stored away in 
a camp-kettle to a small movement on the pic- 
colo, and the train moves on, with the grand 
chorus, — 

** We '11 soon be thar. 

Gee up Bolly! Whoo hup! whoo haw! " 

The whole concludes with the grand hymn 
and chorus, — 

** When we die we '11 go to Benton, 

Whup! Whoo, haw! 
The greatest man that e'er land saw. 

Gee! 
Who this little airth was sent on, 

Whup! Whoo, haw! 
To tell a * hawk from a hand-saw * ! 

Gee!" 

The immense expense attending the produc- 
tion of this magnificent work, the length of 
time required to prepare the chorus, the incred- 
ible number of instruments destroyed at each 
rehearsal, have hitherto prevented M. Tarbox 
from placing it before the American public, and 
it has remained for San Diego to show herself 
superior to her sister cities of The Union in 
musical taste and appreciation and in high- 
souled liberaHty, by patronizing this immortal 
prodigy and enabhng its author to bring it forth 



44 "Ingomar" and "The Plains." 

in accordance with his wishes and its capabilities. 
We trust every citizen of San Diego and Valle- 
citos will listen to it ere it is withdrawn; and 
if there yet lingers in San Francisco one spark 
of musical fervor, or a remnant of taste for pure 
harmony, we can only say that the Southerner 
sails from that place once a fortnight, and that 
the passage money is but forty-five dollars. 



The Death of Squibob. 

Reported by his friend Skew ball. 

San Francisco, June 15, 1853. 

EDITOR HERALD : 
It becomes my melancholy duty 
to inform you of the decease, under 
most painful circumstances, of your 
friend and contributor, the unfor- 
tunate Squibob. It has been evident to the 
public for some days past that his faculties 
were becoming much impaired, and his friends 
had noticed, with regret, growing evidences of 
imbecility, evinced by a disposition to make 
unnecessary and inappropriate puns, and a 
tendency to ridicule the Board of Aldermen, 
the code of duelling and other equally serious 
subjects and sacred institutions. Hopes were 
still entertained of his rallying, and many 
believed that he would yet be spared to us ; 
but, on the 13th instant, he was seized with 
a violent attack of the Evening Journal, a 
species of intermittent epidemic which made 
its appearance regularly at four o'clock each 
afternoon, under the influence of which he 

45 



46 The Death of Squibob. 

rapidly sunk. He sent for me, late yesterday 
evening, and I had the mournful satisfaction 
of being with him in his last moments and 
of closing one of his eyes. I say one of 
his eyes ; for the other persisted in remaining 
partly open, and his interesting countenance 
preserves, even in death, that ineffable wink of 
intelligence which so eminently characterized 
him while among the living. I found him suf- 
fering much from physical and mental prostra- 
tion, but evidently well aware of his approaching 
end, and calm and resigned in the contempla- 
tion of that event. Some idea may be formed 
of his condition from a remark that he made. 
" I sent to the cook for a broiled pork-chop,'* 
he feebly articulated, " and he sent me 2, fried 
one. It is satisfactory, in one's last moments, 
thus to receive the consolations of religion from 
a San Franciscan friar '^ I could not resist an 
expression of horror at this sad evidence of the 
alarmingly low state to which he had been 
brought. He smiled sadly, and said, with in- 
effable sweetness, " Never mind ; it's better 
so. My friends have all advised me to die, and 
it is my safest course. If I had continued in 
the papers, some bellicose individual would have 
' called me out^ and the Herald would have been 
' rifled of its sweets.' " He was here seized 
with an alarming paroxysm, during which his 
hands were extended in a right line from the tip 
of his nose, the fingers separated and " twid- 



The Death of Squibob. 47 



dling '* (if I may be allowed the expression) in a 
convulsive manner. On recovering, his eye fell 
on a copy of the Evening Journal. He shud- 
dered, and muttering in an incoherent manner, 
" I am done. Brown," turned away. I then 
gave him a glass of bimbo, which appeared 
to arouse his energies, and he requested that his 
daguerreotype of " Greene," in his great char- 
acter of Sir Harcourt Courtly, might be shown 
him. As I held before him the representation 
of that artist, a barrel-organ in the street below 
struck up his favorite tune, " The Low-backed 
Car." As the well-known sound struck on his 
ear, a light spread over his countenance. Sitting 
up in bed, he seized the miniature and clasped 
it to his breast. " Where is M. W. ? " he 
screamed. " Give it me quick! quick!!" I 
hastily handed him yesterday's Herald. His 
eye fell on the lines. Gazing alternately on 
them and the miniature, and eagerly listening to 
the organ, " Poetry ! music ! and the drama ! " 
he exclaimed, " farewell ! farewell forever ! " 
The light passed from his visage, his eye glazed, 
he fell back upon his pillow, and his gentle 
spirit passed away without a struggle. 

* 5i< * * * * * 

I had left the room to give directions to the 
weeping Nancy with reference to the disposal 
of the body. On returning, judge of my sur- 
prise at finding him sitting up in bed. " Look 
here, old fellow," said he, " by George ! I 



48 The Death of Squibob. 

quite forgot my last words : " This is the last 
of earth I — / still live ! ! — I wish the con- 
stitution TO BE PRESERVED ! ! ! HERE'S 

LUCK ! ! ! ! " Then lying down, and closing 
one eye, with a wink, the intense meaning of 
which beggars all description, he expired; this 
time " positively without reserve." 

P.S. — The funeral ceremonies will take place 
to-morrow, at 1 1 o'clock, at " Patty and Bar- 
ren's." The public generally are invited to 
attend (with rifles). The Tangarees (of 
which association the deceased was a member), 
and the Moral Reform Society, will form 
around the bier (Lager), and accompany the body 
to its last resting-place. 

Winn is now busily engaged in the melan- 
choly duty of modelling his features in soft 
gingerbread. A copy of the bust in candy he 
promises shall be sent to the offices of the 
Herald and the Evening Journal. 

A spiritual medium (one of the tipping ones) 
has just been experimenting in the room with 
the remains. The following questions were 
put, eliciting the following answers : — 

Question. — " Is the spirit of Squibob pres- 
ent ? " 

Answer. — " Slightually." 

Question. — " Are you happy ? " 

Answer. — " Rather." 

The spirit here asked, through the medium, 
the following question: — 



The Death of Squibob. 49 

" Are the public generally glad I am dead ? ** 
A regard for veracity compelled every person 
in the room to reply, '' Very ! " when the 
table on vi^hich the experiments were being con- 
ducted was violently capsized, and the remains, 
sitting up in bed, threw a boot at the medium, 
which broke up the meeting; the medium 
very properly remarking that it would be 
bootless to prosecute the inquiry further. 

Should anything further of interest transpire, 
I shall take much pleasure in informing you. 
Yours respectfully, 

SKEWBALL. 



Street Introductions. 

No matter of local interest worthy 
the pen of history having oc- 
curred since the return of the 
Congressional Rifles from their 
target excursion at San Mateo, 
I propose to devote a few moments to 
the reprobation of an uncomfortable custom 
prevalent in this city to an alarming extent; 
a custom which strikes me as calculated to 
destroy public confidence, and, to use an 
architectural metaphor, shake the framework 
of society to its very piles. I refer to the 
pernicious habit, which everybody seems to have 
adopted, of making general, indiscriminate and 
public introductions. You meet Brown on 
Montgomery street : " Good morning. Brown." 
" How are you. Smith ? Let me introduce 
you to Mr. Jones." And you forthwith shake 
hands with a seedy individual, who has been 
boring Brown for the previous hour for a small 
loan, probably; an individual you never saw 
before, never had the slightest desire to see, 
and wish never to see again. Being naturally 
of an arid disposition, and perhaps requiring 

50 



Street Introductions. 51 

irrigation at that particular moment, you un- 
guardedly invite Brown, and your new friend 
Jones, of course, to step over to Parry and Bat- 
ten's and imbibe. What is the consequence ? 
The miscreant Jones introduces you to fifteen 
more equally desirable acquaintances, and in 
two minutes from the first introduction there 
you are, with seventeen newly formed friends, 
all of whom " take sugar in their'n" at your 
expense. 

This is invading a man's quarters with a ven- 
geance. But this is not the worst of it. Each 
gentleman to whom you have been introduced, 
wherever you may meet thereafter, in billiard- 
room, tenpins alley, hot-house or church, intro- 
duces you to somebody else; and so the list in- 
creases in geometrical progression, like the sum 
of money which Colburn, in his Arithmetic, 
informs us the gentleman paid for the horse 
with such a number of nails in his shoes, — a 
story which in early childhood I remember to 
have implicitly believed. In this manner you 
form a crowd of acquaintances, of the majority 
of whom you recollect neither names nor faces; 
but, being continually assailed by bows and 
smiles on all sides from unknown gentlemen, 
you are forced, to avoid the appearance of 
rudeness, to go bowing and smirking down the 
street like a distinguished character in a public 
procession, or one of those graven images at 
Tobin & Duncan's, which are eternally wag- 



52 Street Introductions. 

ging their heads with no definite object in 
view. 

This custom is peculiarly embarrassing in 
other respects. If you are so unfortunate as to 
possess an indifferent memory for names and a 
decided idiosyncrasy for forgetting faces, you 
are continually in trouble as to the amount of 
familiarity with which to receive the salutation 
of some unknown individual to whom you have 
been introduced, and who persists in remember- 
ing all about you though you have utterly for- 
gotten him. Only the other day, at the Ori- 
ental Hotel, I met an elderly gentleman, who 
bowed to me in the most pleasant manner as 
I entered the bar-room. I wasn't quite sure, 
but I thought I had been introduced to him 
at Pat Hunt's ; so, walking up, I seized him 
familiarly by one hand, and, slapping him on 
the shoulder with the other, exclaimed, " How 
are you, old cock ? " I shall not soon for- 
get his suspicious glance, as muttering, " Old 
cock, sir!" he turned indignantly away; nor 
my confusion at learning, shortly after, that I 
had thus irreverently addressed the Rev. Am- 
minadab Sleek, chairman of the Society for 
Propagating the Heathen in California, to 
whom I had brought a letter of introduction from 
Mrs. Harriet B. Stowe. On the same day, 
I met and addressed, with a degree of distant 
respect almost amounting to veneration, an in- 
dividual whom I afterwards ascertained to be 



Street Introductions. 53 

the husband of my washerwoman; a discovery 
which I did not make until I had inquired most 
respectfully after his family, and promised to 
call at an early day to see them. 

There are very few gentlemen in San Fran- 
cisco to whom I should dislike to be introduced; 
but it is not to gentlemen alone, unhappily, that 
this introduction mania is confined. Everybody 
introduces everybody else; your tailor, your 
barber, and your shoemaker, deem it their duty 
to introduce you to all their numerous and by 
no means select circle of acquaintance. An 

unfortunate friend of mine, T — hf — 1 J s, 

tells me that, stopping near the Union Hotel, 
the other day, to have his boots blacked by a 
Frenchman, he was introduced by that exile, 
during the operation, to thirty-eight of his 
compatriots; owing to which piece of civility 
he is now suffering with a cutaneous disorder, 

and has been fi donc'd^ ici^d^ and g d ever 

since, to that degree that he hates the sight of a 
French roll and damns the memory of the great 
Napoleon. 

My own circle of acquaintance is not large ; 
but if I had a dollar for every introduction I 
have received during the last six weeks I should 
be able to back up the Baron in one of his mag- 
nificent schemes, or purchase the entire estab- 
lishment of the Herald office. 

But I have said quite enough to prove the 
absurdity of indiscriminate introductions. Hop- 



54 Street Introductions. 

ing that you will excuse my introduction of the 
subject, and that Winn won't make an adver- 
tisement out of this article, 

I remain, as ever, yours faithfully. 



The Flight of the Collector. 

Oriental Hotel, San Francisco. 

PASSING up Montgomery street, yes- 
terday afternoon between 3 and 4 
o'clock, my attention was attracted 
by a little gentleman with a small 
moustache, who rushed hastily past 
me, and, turning down Commercial street, sought 
to escape observation by plunging among the 
crowd of drays that perpetually tangle up Long 
Wharf. Though slightly lame, he passed me 
with a speed that may have been equalled, 
but by a man of his size could never have been 
excelled ; and his look of frantic terror, his 
countenance, wild, pallid with apprehension, as 
I caught for an instant his horror-stricken gaze, 
I shall never forget. I turned partly around 
to watch his flight, when with a sudden shock I 
was borne hurriedly along, and in an instant 
found myself struggling and plunging in the 
midst of a mighty crowd who were evidently in 
hot pursuit. There were old men, young men 
and maidens — at least I presume they were 
maidens, it was no time for close scrutiny — ; 
there were Frenchmen, Englishmen, Chinamen, 
and every other description of men; gentlemen 

55 



56 The Flight of the Collector. 

with spectacles and gentlemen who were specta- 
cles to behold ; men with hats and men without 
hats ; an angry sea of moustaches, coat-tails and 
hickory shirts, with here and there a dash of 
foam in the way of a petticoat ; and all pouring 
and rushing down Long Wharf with me in the 
midst, like a bewildered gander in a mill-race. 

There was no shouting, a look of stern and 
gloomy determination sat on the countenance 
of each individual ; and save an occasional 
muttered ejaculation of " There he goes ! " "I 
see him ! " we rushed on in horrid silence. 

A sickly feeling came over me as the con- 
viction that I was in the midst of the far-famed 
and dreaded Vigilance Committee settled on 
my mind ; here was I, borne along with them, 
an involuntary and unwilling member — I, a life 
member of the Anti-capital Punishment Society, 
and author of the little work called " Peace, or 
Directions for the use of the Sword as a Prun- 
ing-hook," who never killed a fly in my life; 
here I was, probably about to countenance, by 
my presence, the summary execution of the un- 
happy little culprit with the small moustache, 
who, for aught I knew to the contrary, might 
be as immaculate as Brigham Young himself. 

What would brother Greeley say to me! 
But it was no time for reflection. " Onward 
we drove in dreadful race, pursuers and pur- 
sued," over boxes, bales, drays and horses. 
The Jews screamed and shut their doors as 



The Flight of the Collector. 57 

they saw us coming ; there was a shower of 
many-bladed knives, German-silver pencils and 
impracticable pistols, as the show-cases flew 
wildly in the air. It was a dreadful scene. I 
am not a fleshy man — that is, not particularly 
fleshy — , but an old villain with a bald head and 
spectacles punched me in the abdomen ; I lost 
my breath, closed my eyes, and remember noth- 
ing further. On recovering my faculties, I 
found myself jammed up flat against a sugar- 
box, like a hoe-cake, with my head protruding 
over the top in the most uncomfortable manner, 
and apparently the weight of the whole crowd 
(amounting by this time to some six thousand) 
pressed against me, keeping me inextricably in 
my position. Here, for an instant, I caught a 
glimpse of a Stockton boat just leaving the 
wharf; then everything was obscured by a 
sudden shower of something white, and then 
burst from the mob a deep and melancholy 
howl, prolonged, terrific, hideous. I wrenched 
myself violently from the sugar-box, and con- 
fronted a seedy-looking individual with a bat- 
tered hat. In his hand he held a crumpled paper, 
and on his countenance sat the gloom of de- 
spair. " In the name of Heaven," I gasped, 
" what is this ? " " He has escaped," he re- 
plied, with a deep groan. " Who is the crim- 
inal ? " I asked ; " what has he done ? " 
" Done ? " said he of the seedy garments, turn- 
ing moodily away, " nothing. It is the new Col- 



58 The Flight of the Collector. 



lector!! ! He's off to Stockton." The crowd 
dispersed ; slowly and sadly they all walked off. 
I looked over the side of the wharf. I am not 
given to exaggeration. You will believe me 
when I tell you that the sea was white with 
letters that had been thrown by that crowd ; for 
miles it was white with them, and, far out in the 
stream, her wheels filled with letter paper, her 
shafts clogged with dissolving wafers, lay the 
Stockton boat. On her upper deck danced the 
pilot in frenzied agony, his hand grasping 
his shattered jaw. An office-seeker had thrown 
a letter attached to a stone which had dislodged 
four of his front teeth ! As I gazed, the steamer's 
wheels began to move. At her after-cabin win- 
dow appeared a nose above a small moustache, 
a thumb and fingers twinkled for an instant in 
the sunlight, and she was gone. I walked up 
the wharf, and gazed ruefully on my torn cloth- 
ing and shattered boots, which had suffered 
much in this struggle of democracy. " Thank 
God, O Squibob!" said I, "that you are a 
fool, or, what amounts to the same thing in these 
times — a Whig, and have no offices to dis- 
pense and none to seek for. Verily, the apho- 
rism of Scripture is erroneous. It should read. 
It is equally cursed to give and to received 

I repaired to my room at the Oriental. Pass- 
ing the chamber of the Collector, I espied with- 
in, the chambermaid, an interesting colored 
person named Nancy. Now, I used to have an 



The Flight of the Collector. 59 

unworthy prejudice against the colored race ; but 
since reading that delightful and truthful work, 
" Uncle Stowe's Log," my sympathies have 
been enlisted, and I have rather encouraged 
a Platonic attachment for Nancy, engendered 
between us by numerous acts of civility on 
my part and amiability on hers. So I natur- 
ally stopped to speak to her. She stood up to her 
middle in unopened letters. There must have 
been on the floor of that room eighteen thou- 
sand unopened letters. The monthly mail from 
the East would be nothing to it. " Mr. Squi- 
bob," said Nancy, with a sweet smile, " is you 
got airy shovel ? " " No, Nancy," said I ; 
" why do you want a shovel ? " " To clar 
out dese yere letters," said she ; " de Collecker 
said I muss frow dem all away ; he don't want 
no such trash about him." A thought struck 
me. I hastened to my room, seized a slop-pail, 
returned and filled it with letters, opened them, 
read them, and selected a few which strike me 
as peculiarly deserving. If the Collector reads 
the Herald — and I know he "does nothing 
else" — these must attract his attention, and 
the object of the writers will be attained. Here 
they are. Of course, I suppress the dates and 
signatures ; the authors will doubtless be recog- 
nized by their peculiar styles, and the time and 
place at which they were written is quite im- 
material. 



6o The Flight of the Collector. 



No. I. 

My Dear Friend : — I presume you will be 
perfectly surrounded this morning, as usual, by 
a crowd of heartless office-seekers ; I therefore 
take this method of addressing you. I thank 
God, I want no office for myself or others. 
You have known me for years, and have never 
known me to do a mean or dishonorable action. 

I saw W up at Stockton, the other day, and 

he is very anxious that I should be appointed 
Inspector of Steamboats. He said that I needed 
it, and deserved it, and that he hoped you would 
give it to me ; but I told him I was no office- 
seeker — I should never ask you for any office. 
He said he would write to you about it. Please 
write to me as soon as you receive this, care of 
Parry & Batten. 

Your affectionate friend, 

P. S. — My friend John Smith, who you 
know is a true Pierce & King man, is anxious 
to get the appointment of Weigher and Gauger 
of Macaroni. He is an excellent fellow, and a 
true friend of yours. I hope, whether you can 
spare an Inspectorship for me or not, you will 
give Smith a chance. 



The Flight of the Collector. 6i 



No. II. 

My Dear Sir : — Allow me to congratulate 
you on your success in obtaining your wishes. 
I have called twice to see you, but have not 
been able to find you in. You were kind 
enough to assure me, before leaving for Washing- 
ton, that I might depend upon your friendship. 
I think it very improbable that I shall be re-nom- 
inated. The Water-front Extension project has 
not been received with that favor that I expected, 
and what with Roman and the Whigs and that 

d d Herald, I feel very doubtful. You 

will oblige me by retaining in your possession, 

until after the Convention, the office of 

to the Custom House. I must look about me 
to command the means of subsistence. I will 
see you again on this subject. 

Very truly yours, 

P. S. — My young friend, Mr. John Brown,, 
wishes to be made Inspector of Vermicelli. He 
is a pure Democrat, dyed in the wool, and I 
trust in making your appointments you will not 
overlook his claims. Brown tells me he con- 
siders himself almost a relative of yours. His 
aunt used to go to school with your father. 
She frequently writes to him, and always speaks, 
of you with great esteem. 



62 The Flight of the Collector. 



No. III. 

MoN Amie : — I ave been ver malade since 
that I hav arrive, I ver muche thank you for 
you civilite on la vapor v^^hich we come ici, 
juntos. The peoples here do say to me, you si 
pued give to me the littel offices in you customs 
house. I wish if si usted gustan you me shall 
make to be Inspectors de cigarritos. Je 1 en- 
tends muy bien. Come to me see. 

Countess de 



Mister Jose Jones he say wish to be entree 
clerky. You mucho me oblige by make him 
do it. 

No. IV. 

The following was evidently dictated by some 
belligerent old Democrat to an amanuensis, who 
appears not to have got precisely the ideas 
intended : 

Sir : — I have been a dimocrat of the Jack- 
son School thank God for twenty years. If you 
sir had been erected to an orifice by the pusil- 
lanimous sufferings of the people as I was onst 
I would have no clam but sir you are appointed 
by Pierce for whom I voted and King who is 
dead as Julia's sister and I expectorate the office 
for which my friends will ask you sir I am a 
plane man and want the orifice of Prover and 
taster of Brandy and wish you write to me 



The Flight of the Collector. 63 

at the Niantic where I sick three days and have 
to write by a young gentleman or come to see 
me before eleven o'clock when I generally get 
sick Yours 

P. S. My young man mr. Peter Stokes I re- 
quest may be made inspector of pipes. 



No. V. 

Mr. Colected H . Detor 

Elizer Muggins 

fore dosen peaces . . . $12 . . 
Receat pament. 

Mister Colected My husban Mikel Mug- 
gins will wish me write you no matur for abuv 
if you make him inspector in yore custom hous, 
he always vote for Jackson and Scott and all 
the Dimocrats and he vote for Bugler and go 
for extension the waser works which I like very 
much. You will much oblige by call and settel 
this one way or other. 

ELIZIR MUGGINS. 

Mike wants Mr. Timothy flaherty, who was 
sergent in Pirces regiment and held Pirces boss 
when he rared and throwed him to be a inspec- 
tor too hes verry good man. E. M. 



64 The Flight of the Collector. 



No. VI. 

Sir : — I have held for the last four years 
the appointment of Surveyor of Shellfish in the 
Custom House, and have done my duty and 
understand it. I have been a Whig, but never 
interfered in politics, and should have voted for 
Pierce — it W2is my intention — but a friend by 
mistake gave me a wrong ballot, and I acci- 
dentally put it in, having been drinking a little. 
Dear sir, I hope you will not dismiss me ; no 
man in this city understands a clam as I do, 
and I shall be very much indebted to you to 
keep my office for the present though have 
much finer offers but don't wish at present to 
accept. 

Very respectfully, 

P. S. — My friend Mr. Thomas Styles wishes 
to keep his office. Dear sir, he is Inspector of 
Raccoon Oysters ; he is an excellent gentleman, 
and though they call him a Whig I think dear 
sir, there is great doubt. I hope you'll keep 
us both ; it's very hard to get good Inspectors 
who understand shell-fish. 

So much for to-day. If any gentleman, in- 
cited by a laudable curiosity, wishes to peruse 
more of these productions, let him proceed to 



The Flight of the Collector. 65 

Telegraph Hill, and on the summit of the 
tower at the extremity of the starboard yard- 
arm, in the discharge of his duty will be found, 
always ready, attentive, courteous and obliging, 

SQUIBOB. 



The Return of the Col- 
lector. 

INTELLIGENCE having reached the city, 
yesterday morning, that the new Col- 
lector might be expected by the Sophie from 
Stockton, at an early hour in the after- 
noon the crowd of office-seekers began 
to assemble, and by eight o'clock last evening, 
every avenue of approach to Long Wharf was 
entirely closed and the wharf itself so densely 
packed with human beings that the merchants 
and others compelled to resort thither, were 
obliged to step from the corner of Montgomery 
and Commercial streets upon the heads of the 
crowd and proceed to their places of business 
over a living pavement. Much suffering hav- 
ing been caused by the passage of loaded drays 
and other carriages over the shoulders of 
the crowd, and many serious accidents having 
occurred to individuals — among which we can 
only notice the unfortunate case of a plethoric 
elderly gentleman, who, slipping on a glazed 
hat, fell down and broke himself somewhere — , 
our worthy mayor, ever alive to the calls of 
humanity, throwing aside all political prejudice, 
66 



The Return of the Collector. 67 

caused planks to be laid over the heads of the as- 
sembly from Sansome street to the extremity of 
the wharf, which in a great measure alleviated 
the suffering. 

There was no fighting or disorder among the 
crowd, for so closely were they packed that no 
man could move a finger. One unfortunate in- 
dividual who at an early stage of the proceed- 
ings had inadvertently raised his arm above his 
head, remained with it fixed in that position. 
Like that of an East Indian fakir who has 
taken a vow to point forever toward heaven, 
the melancholy hand was seen for hours di- 
rected towards the nearest bonded warehouse. 
Some idea of the amiable feeling existing among 
the multitude may be gathered from the state- 
ment of Capt. J B , familiarly known 

as " Truthful James." He informs me that 
early this morning the keeper of a restaurant on 
the wharf picked up no less than seven hundred 
and eighty-four ears and three peck-basketfuls 
of mutilated fragments ! To use the words of 
James, as with horror-stricken countenance he 
made me this communication, " they had been 
chawed^ sir ! actilly chawed off! " Such horrible 
barbarity makes humanity shudder. But I for- 
bear comment; the business of your reporter 
is to state facts, not to indulge in sentiment. 

At half-past nine o'clock an electric shock 
ran through the vast assemblage at the well- 
known sound of the Sophie's bell. All the 



68 The Return of the Collector. 

agony and suffering of the past few hours was 
forgotten ; for an instant Long Wharf quivered 
like an aspen leaf, and then rose to heaven a 
mighty shout, which shook every building in the 
city to its foundations. The Sophie approached 
the wharf, the Collector and her other passengers 
disembarked, and in a few moments a procession 
was formed and proceeded in the following or- 
der to the Oriental : — 

THE NEW collector, 

In a carriage drawn by two horses, lashed to 
their utmost speed, tearing along Battery street 
towards the Hotel. 

All the male inhabitants of Stockton (except 
one reckless and despairing old Whig, who, 
knowing he had no chance and being confined 
to his bed by sickness, remained behind to take 
charge of the city) running eight abreast, at the 
top of their speed. 

THE POLICE OF SAN FRANCISCO, 

On a dead run, and much blown. 

Candidates for office in the Custom House 
who had known the Collector in his early youth, 
ten abreast, bearing a banner with the following 
motto : " Don't you remember the path where 
we met, long, long ago ? " 

(A fire company, who had inadvertently turned 
into Battery street, were driven furiously along 



The Return of the Collector. 69 

with the procession, and were wondering how 
the d — I they were ever to get out of it.) 

Candidates for office who had lately become 
acquainted with the Collector, twelve abreast. 

Banner : " We saw him but a moment, but 
methinks we've got him now." 

Candidates who fervently wished to the Lord 
they could get acquainted with him. 

Candidates who had frequently heard of him, 
forty-five abreast. 

THE U. S. ARMY, 

Consisting of a discharged sergeant of the 
9th Infantry, slightly inebriated, one abreast, de- 
siring the deputy collectorship, or the porter- 
age, or that the Collector would give him four 
bits; didn't care a d — n which. 

MUSIC, 

By an unhappy dog, trodden under foot by 
the crowd and giving vent to the most unearthly 
yells. 

All the members of the Democratic party in 
California who did not wish for an office in the 
Custom House, consisting of a fortunate miner 
who had made his pile and was going home on 
the first of the month. 

Gentlemen who had the promise of appoint- 
ments from influential friends and were sure of 
getting them, walking arm in arm with gentle- 



70 The Return of the Collector. 

men, without distinction of party, who were 
confident of drawing the diamond watch in 
Reeve's Lottery. This part of the procession 
was four hours in passing a given point. 

M. L. WINN, 

Bearing in his right hand a pole from which 
floated a bill of fare three hundred and twenty- 
six feet in length, and in his left a buckwheat 
cake glittering with golden syrup. 

MR. BRANCH, 

Supporting the other extremity of the bill of 
fare. 

CITIZENS GENERALLY. 

The procession having moved with great 
rapidity, soon arrived at the Oriental; but not so 
soon as the Collector, who, rushing hastily into 
his room, locked and barricaded the door, hav- 
ing previously instructed the landlord to inform 
all persons who might inquire for him that he was 
dead. Meanwhile the multitude had com- 
pletely surrounded the hotel, and signified their 
impatience and disgust at finding the doors 
closed by angry roars, uttered at half-second 
intervals. Finding their cries disregarded, a 
sudden movement took place among them, and 
for a few moments I feared the hotel was to be 
carried by storm, when a window on Bush 



The Return of the Collector. 71 

street opened, and a gentleman, whom the 
darkness of the evening prevented my com- 
pletely identifying, but whom I religiously be- 
lieve to have been the Collector, appeared, and 
amid the most profound silence made the fol- 
lowing beautiful and touching address : " Gen- 
tlemen, I wish to God you would all go to 
bed ; you have worried and annoyed me beyond 
endurance. I am not to be caught by you as 
was General Scott; for I actually have no time 
to remove any portion of my clothing. I do not 
love brogue ; I beseech you, therefore, to retire 
and allow me a little repose." The address 
here concluded with some allusion to the Deity 
and a reference to the eyes of the crowd, which, 
being pronounced indistinctly, your reporter was 
not able entirely to comprehend, and with a sud- 
den slam the window closed. 

The scene without now beggared description : 
roars, yells, frantic cries for " ladders ! " " lad- 
ders ! " rent the air. Within the hotel all was 
alarm and confusion; the ladies screamed, 
children cried, the alarmed proprietor spoke of 
sending for the Mary Ann Rifles, when — the 
scene suddenly changed. Upon the piazza of 
the house appeared a gentleman, walking slowly, 
with his hands in the pockets of a shawl dress- 
ing-gown ; he wore a brown wig, and an enor- 
mous pair of false whiskers framed his well- 
rouged cheeks. In a word, he was dressed in 
the character of Sir Harcourt Courtly. Turn- 



72 The Return of the Collector. 

ing slowly towards the crowd, he withdrew one 
hand from the pocket of the shawl dressing- 
gown, and slowly and awkwardly extending it, 
said, — "Cool!" It was sufficient. For an 
instant, a shudder ran through the mob, then, 
with cries of " It's him ! it's Greene ! " they 
broke and dispersed in every direction; up 
Bush and down Battery, through Stockton street 
and over the sand-hills, they fled like frightened 
deer. The earth seemed to have opened and 
swallowed them up, so sudden and complete 
was the dispersion. In one moment, where 
stood a mob of fifteen thousand, remained but 
two individuals. Above, with a sidelong bow 
and melancholy smile, slowly retired Sir Har- 
court; and on the earth below, with open mouth 
and distended eyes, his admiring gaze fixed upon 
that extraordinary man with reverential awe, 
stood 

PHCENIX. 

Saturday morning. 
P. S. " Truthful James " has just rushed up 
in a frantic state to inform me that the Collector 
did not arrive last night, after all. When I made 
my report I did not know whether he had or 
not; but I am inclined now to think he might 
have done so. I don't know that it makes any 
difference. If he did arrive, my report is all 
true now. If he did not, why, when he does 
arrive, it will be all true then ; and those 



The Return of the Collector. 73 

who read it this morning, and find it false, 
will have the pleasure of reading it again 
when it becomes the history of an actual oc- 
currence. Of course, you won't publish this. 

PHGENIX. 



The San Francisco Antiqua- 
rian Society and California 
Academy of Arts and Sci- 
ences. 

Pursuant to notice, a large num- 
ber of those of our citizens interested 
in the advancement of the arts and 
sciences in California, assembled in 
the large hall over the Union Hotel, 
at 8 o'clock on Thursday evening, the 31st of 
June ult. 

The meeting having come to order, our 
distinguished fellow-citizen. Dr. Keensarvey, 
was called to the chair, and A. Cove, Esq., was 
made secretary. 

The chairman then rose, and in that lucid 
style which ever characterizes his public ad- 
dresses, briefly explained the object of the meet- 
ing. It had been urged, he said, and he feared 
with too much justice, by our scientific friends 
in the Eastern States, that the inhabitants of 
California, residing in a country which opens to 
the geologist, the ethnologist, the mineralogist, 
the botanist, the taxidermist, the antiquarian, 

74 



S. F. A. S. & C. A. A. S. 75 

the historian, the philosopher and, in short, the 
savant, the richest and most unexampled field 
on the face of the globe or elsewhere for their 
labors, were entirely regardless of their privi- 
leges in this respect, utterly absorbed in the 
pursuit of gain, and, while excavating from the 
bowels of the earth its auriferous deposits in 
sufficient quantity, they cared not, to use a 
forcible illustration, the execration of a tinker 
for those sciences in the pursuit of which they 
could alone find a rational manner of expending 
their accumulated wealth. 

Was it possible that this could be the case ? 
Had we not among us men of science, of lib- 
erality, of intelligence ? (Cries of " Yes, yes ! " 
from the meeting, and "iS"/, Senorf^^ from a Cas- 
tilian savant in a glazed hat and judicious state 
of spiritual elevation.) Had we not in our 
midst many who, having acquired a sufficiency 
of worldly wealth, now wished to find among 
the treasures of science that calm satisfaction 
which the possession of no amount of d'lnero 
could possibly afford ? (Tumultuous shouts of 
"Yes, yes!" ^' Seguro f' ''Si, Senor /'' and a 
voice, " Whar is he?") It was the pride and 
pleasure of the chairman to believe that such 
was the case; and it was in the hope of 
being able to hurl back the aspersions of the 
savants of the east that the meeting was called 
together; it was with the hope of forming a 
permanent, scientific, California association. 



76 S. F. A. S. & C. A. A. S. 

composed of such material as could not be 
found elsewhere, an association whose transac- 
tions should be read with mingled emotions of 
astonishment, delight and envy by every en- 
lightened lover of science, from the eastern end 
of the north Farallone Island, proceeding 
easterly, to the western end of the same. (Loud 
applause; cries of "Good!" '-^Bonf' ^-^Buenof' 
broke from the meeting, and a deep moan of 
acquiescence from the Castilian savant, who, 
with the glazed hat partially shrouding his mas- 
sive intellectual developments, had become 
slightly somnolent.) 

The applause consequent upon this beautiful 
effort of the chairman having subsided, Mr. B. 
S. Bags rose to address the chair: — 

He had not the advantage of an early educa- 
tion — not much, he hadn't; but he read a good 
deal, and liked it; and he dare say now, that, if 
the truth had been found out, he knowed a great 
deal more than some of those philosophers at the 
east. He wanted to see science go on in Cali- 
fornia. He had a considerable interest in the 
place, and expected to spend his days thar. He 
was now fifty-three years old; he come out 
here twenty-three years ago as steward of a 
whale-ship, and he run away and turned doc- 
tor. (Laughter; cries of " Hush, hush ! ") But 
he married a Californy widder with a large 
ranch; and he had, when the gold mines broke 
out, made his " pile." He had over three hun- 



S. F. A. S. & C. A. A. S. 77 

dred thousand dollars, and he didn't care who 
knowed it. He meant to devote the interest of 
the same to learning science. (Uproarious ap- 
plause; cries of " Go it ! " "That's the pint!'* 
and " Caramba ! ") He had three daughters, 
and he meant each on 'em should be a scientific 
man (loud applause); one of 'em wore green 
specs now, (immense applause, accompanied by 
a cry of " Hep — ah ! " from a person in a white 
hat and blue-blanket coat, who, having evidently 
mistaken his place, was requested by the chair 
to leave at once — but he didn't do it). Order 
being restored, Mr. Bags went on to say that 
he had money enough, and had gin up trading 
stock, and begun to study science for itself. 
He had bought a " Mahomedon," and could tell 
how hot it was any time; he had examined 
the Ah — teasing well in the square, and 
knew something about hydrocyanics from a 
contemplation of scientific structures. By read- 
ing the papers daily, particularly the Alta 
California, he found all sorts of new matters 
which he supposed give him considerable idea of 
new mattix; but above all, having seen in 
the papers from the States an account of the 
bosilist pendulum and its application to the 
Bunker Hill monument, by which it showed 
how the earth turned round from east to west, 
he had ever since, for three hours each day, 
watched the flagstaff on the Plaza, and he 
could assure the meeting that when the flag was 



78 S. F. A. S. & C. A. A. S. 

trailed it always flew out to the west, and when 
it was histed the rope always bent out to the 
east. ("Hear! hear!") Gentlemen might 
say it was the wind that did it, but what made 
the wind ? If any gentleman here had ever rid 
out to the Mission on a calm day (" Hear ! " 
from a savant who kept a livery stable in 
Kearny street), he must have felt a breeze 
blowing in his face. Well ! he made that wind, 
he did, a-going ! and it was the earth that made 
the wind by turning around in just the same 
way. (Deep impression produced: low re- 
marks, "We must examine this !" "Bags is a 
trump," &c.) 

Mr. Bags concluded that he had took up a 
good deal of time, but he hoped that a society 
would be formed, and that he would pay his 
share towards it (applause), and more too (loud 
applause). He hoped he would be able to do 
more. He was now reading a paper in Silli- 
man's Journal on the horizontal paralysis 
with its effects on the cellular system, and 
he hoped to get some ideas out of it which he 
would adapt to California; and if he should, the 
society should have the benefit of it. Mr. Bags 
here sat down amid prolonged and continued 
cheering. 

Barney Braglagan was now loudly called for, 
but not appearing, the meeting was addressed 
by several of our most scientific citizens, the 
tendency of whose remarks was entirely and 



S. F. A. S. & C. A. A. S. 79 



unreservedly in favor of the formation of a per- 
manent society ; and, the meeting being wound 
up to the highest state of scientific excitement, 
it was unanimously resolved: That this meet- 
ing resolve itself into a permanent scientific 
association, to be known as the " San Francisco 
Antiquarian Society and California Academy of 
Arts and Sciences," and immediately enter into 
correspondence with all learned and scientific 
associations on the face of the earth. 

After the passage of the above resolution, 
a committee consisting of Dr. Keensarvey, 
A. Cove, and James Calomel, M. D., were 
appointed to prepare a constitution for the 
society. Leaving the hall, they immediately 
repaired to the saloon of the California Ex- 
change; and, returning in seven minutes and 
five seconds (mean solar time), they submitted 
the following draft of a constitution, which was 
adopted by acclamation. 

Article I. — The officers of this Society 
shall consist of a President, Corresponding Sec- 
retary, Recording Secretary, Treasurer and 
Librarian, who shall be elected annually, by 
ballot. 

Article IL — The objects of this Society 
shall comprise inquiries into everything in the 
remotest degree scientific or artful. 

Article IIL — The Society shall consist of 
members, corresponding members and honorary 
members. The first to be persons residing in 



8o S. F. A. S. & C. A. A. S. 

California; the two last to include both persons 
and residents of any other place on the face of 
the globe or elsewhere. 

Article IV. — There shall be an annual pay- 
ment of one hundred dollars, in City, County, 
or State scrip, by each member residing in the 
City of San Francisco or its vicinity. 

The Society now proceeded to the election of 
officers for the ensuing year, with the following 
result: President, Dr. Keensarvey; Vice-Presi- 
dent, M. Quelque Chose; Corresponding Sec- 
retary, G. Squibob; Recording Secretary, A. 
Cove; Treasurer, Buck S. Bags; Librarian, the 
Consul for Ireland, ex off. 

On motion, the Treasurer received permis- 
sion from the Society to apply to the City Coun- 
cil for liberty to stack the scrip forming the 
funds of the association upon the Plaza under 
cover of a tarpaulin. 

On motion, committees were appointed to 
report, at the first meeting of the Society, on the 
following subjects, namely: ist. Antiquity; 2d. 
Geology; 3d. Toxicology; 4th. Ethnology; all 
as applicable to California. 

On motion, the proceedings of this meeting 
and the future transactions of the Society, shall 
be published in the San Francisco Daily Alta Cal- 
ifornian, Silliman's Journal, the Boston Olive 
Branch, and the extra documents accompanying 
the President's annual message. 

On motion, the Society adjourned to hold its 



S. F. A. S. & C. A. A. S. 8i 

first regular meeting on Thursday evening, July 
15th, in the remains of the old adobe building 
anciently standing on the northwest corner of 
the Plaza. 

Immediately on adjournment the several 
committees entered with zeal upon their various 
duties. 

The Committee on Antiquities left at once, 
on the night boat, for Vallejo, the residence of 
their chairman, who had informed them of the 
existence at that place of some specimens of a 
substance termed " Old Monongahela " lately 
discovered by a scientific gentleman residing at 
the capitol; the Committee on Geology were 
seen eagerly inquiring for the omnibus for Yerba 
Buena Island; that on Ethnology appointed a 
sub-committee for the city of San Francisco, 
and made arrangements for the departure of its 
main body to the upper counties of the State, 
for the purpose of holding interviews with the 
primitive inhabitants ; while the Castilian savant 
in the glazed hat, who had been appointed chair- 
man of the Committee on Toxicology, repaired 
incontinently to a drinking-saloon, where he 
commenced a series of experiments in hydrosta- 
tics, with the endeavor to ascertain the quantity 
of fluid possible to be raised from a glass in a 
given time by a straw applied to his mouth. 
The experiments resulted so much to his satis- 
faction that he was seen to emerge therefrom at 
four o'clock on the following morning, in a 



82 S. F. A. S. & C. A. A. S. 

high state of pleasurable excitement, chanting 
huskily, as he meandered down the street, that 
highly refreshing Mexican anthem, — 

** Castro viene en poco tiempo! 
Cuidado los Americanos! " 

A. COVE, 

Sec. pro tern. 
G. Squibob, 
Cor. Sec. S. F. A. S. and C. A. A. S. 
San Francisco, July lo, 1851. 



The Ladies' Relief Society. 

Editor of the 

San Francisco, July i 2. 

LEARNING that a meeting of the 
" Ladies' Relief Society " was to be 
held this morning, at the Pine Church, 
on Baptist street, your reporter, ac- 
tuated by a desire to discharge his 
duty to the public by collecting valuable infor- 
mation, and incited by a laudable curiosity to 
ascertain what on earth the ladies desired to be 
relieved from (on which last point he obtained 
the most complete satisfaction, as will appear), 
repaired to that sacred edifice, and ensconcing 
himself in a pew conveniently situated in case 
of a sudden retreat becoming expedient, pa- 
tiently awaited the commencement of the pro- 
ceedings. 

At half-past nine, A. M. precisely, as I ascer- 
tained by reference to the magnificent silver 
watch, valued at $18, which I did not draw in 
Tobin and Duncan's grand raffle, yesterday, but 
which, " on the contrary, quite the reverse," 
was bestowed on me by my deceased grand- 
mother, (excuse the digression; I am approach- 
ing a painful subject and like to do it gradually,) 

83 



84 The Ladies' Relief Society. 

the ladies began to assemble in their beauty, 
and, I regret to add, their strength. From the 
somewhat inconvenient position which, from 
motives of delicacy and a desire to avoid the 
appearance of intrusion, I had assumed on the 
floor of the pew, I counted fifty-two of the 
" sweeteners of our cup of human happiness,** 
of every age, figure and appearance. There 
was the maid of blushing sixteen, and there was 
the widow of sixty, dressed in all imaginable 
styles of colors, — white hats, red shawls, chip 
bonnets, green aprons and pink-colored boots. 

The Pine Church looked like a conservatory, 
and as I lay perdu, like an innocent (green) 
snake among the flowers, listening to the merry 
laugh and innocent playful gurglings of delight 
that fell from their hundred and four lips, — 
" How'd do, dear ? " " My ! what a love of a 
bonnet ! '* " What did you draw, Fanny ? '* 
" Is Lizzy going to marry that fellow ? '* &c., I 
thought that my lines were cast in very pleas- 
ant places and I had a goodly heritage. How 
painfully was I undeceived, how totally was I 
engulfed ! (a preferable mode of expression, 
that " engulfed," to the common but indeli- 
cate one of " sucked in "). But I will not 
anticipate. 

As the town clock struck ten the doors were 
closed, and a lady of mature age and benign 
though unyielding expression (I do you justice. 
Madam, though you haven't used me well), 



The Ladies' Relief Society. 85 

ascended the steps of the pulpit, and, taking from 
the desk a fireman's speaking-trumpet that laid 
thereon, she smote an awful blow upon a copy 
of the sacred scriptures, and vociferated through 
the brazen instrument, '-^ Order/** Conversa- 
tion ceased, laughter was hushed, and with the 
exception of an irrepressible murmur and a sub- 
dued snicker from your reporter as some charm- 
ing being exclaimed, sotto voce^ " Don't pinch 
me," silence reigned profound. " Ladies," said 
the president, " you are aware of the object of 
this meeting. Tied down by the absurd preju- 
dices of society, trammelled by the shackles of 
custom and unworthy superstition, we have 
found it necessary to form ourselves into a 
society, where, free from the intrusion of exe- 
crable man, aloof from his jealous scrutiny, 
whether as father, brother, or that still more 
objectionable character of husband, we may 
throw ofF restraint, exert our natural liberty, and 
seek relief {vom the tedious and odious routine 
of duty imposed upon us in our daily walk of 
life. Any motion is in order." 

At this instant, while my wondering gaze was 
attracted by an elderly female in a Tuscan bon- 
net and green veil, who, drawing a black pint- 
bottle from the pocket of her dress, proceeded 
to take a " snifter " therefrom with vast satis- 
faction, then tendered it to the lady that sat 
next (a sweet little thing in a Dunstable, with 
cherry-colored ribbons), a lady rose and said, — 



86 The Ladies' Relief Society. 

" Mrs. President, I move that a committee of 
one be appointed to send a servant to Batty 
and Parrens for fifty-two brandy smashes ^ A 
thrill of horror ran through my veins ; I rose 
mechanically to my feet, exclaimed "Gracious 
goodness ! " and fell, in a fainting condition, 
against the back of the pew. // was my Susan! ! 
You remember the instant that intervenes be- 
tween the flash of lightning and the ensuing 
thunderclap. For an instant there was silence, 
dead silence — you might have heard a paper of 
pins fall, — then " at once there rose so wild a 
yell" ! " A man ! a man ! " they cried, and a 
scene of hubbub and confusion ensued that beg- 
gars description. The venerable female in the 
Tuscan shied the pint-bottle at my head, the 
little thing in the Dunstable gave me a back- 
handed wipe with a parasol, and for an instant 
my life was in positive danger from the shower 
of fans, hymn-books and other missiles that fell 
around me. " Put him out, Martha," said an 
old lady to a lovely being in a blue dress in an 
adjacent pew. " I shan't," was the reply; " I 
haven't been introduced to him." " Wretched 
creature," said the president in an awful voice, 
" who are you ? " " Reporter for the Alta " 
rose to my throat; but my lips refused their 
utterance. " What do you want ? " she con- 
tinued. " I want to go home," I feebly articu- 
lated. " Put him out ! " she rejoined ; and 
before I could think, much less expostulate, I 



Relief Society. 87 



was pounced upon by two strong-minded women, 
and found myself walking rapidly down Baptist 
street with the impression of a number three 
gaiter boot on my clothing about ten inches be- 
low the two ornamental buttons upon the small 
of my back. From this latter circumstance I 
have formed the impression that the little thing 
with the Dunstable and the cherry-colored rib- 
bons assisted at my elimination. 

And now, Mr. Editor, what are we to think 
of this ? Does it not give rise to very serious 
reflections, that a society should exist in our 

very midst of so nefarious but indignation 

is useless. I cannot do justice to the subject. 
Ruffled in disposition, wounded to the heart in 
the best and most sacred feelings of my common 
nature, I can only subscribe myself. 

Your outraged reporter. 



Benicia. 

Benicia, October i, 1850. 

LEAVING the metropolis, last even- 
ing, by the gradually-increasing-in- 
popularity steamer West Point, 1 
" skeeted " up Pablo Bay with the 
intention of spending a few days at 
the world-renowned seaport of Benicia. Our 
captain (a very pleasant and gentlemanly little 
fellow, by the way) was named Swift, our pas- 
sengers were emphatically a fast set, the wind 
blew like well-watered rose-bushes, and the tide 
was strong in our favor. All these circum- 
stances tended to impress me with the idea that 
we were to make a wonderfully quick passage, 
but, alas, " the race is not to the Swift ; '* 
the Senator passed us ten miles from the 
wharf, and it was nine o'clock, and very dark at 
that, when we were roped in by the side of the 
" ancient and fishlike"-smelling hulk that forms 
the broad wharf of Benicia. As I shouldered 
my carpet-bag, and stepped upon the wharf 
among the dense crowd of four individuals that 
were there assembled, and gazed upon the 
mighty city whose glimmering lights, feebly dis- 
ss 



Benicia. 89 



cernible through the Benician darkness, extended 
over an area of five acres, an overpowering 
sense of the grandeur and majesty of the great 
rival of San Francisco affected me. I felt my 
own extreme insignificance, and was fain to lean 
upon a pile of watermelons for support. " Boy ! " 
said I, addressing an intelligent specimen of 
humanity who formed an integral portion of the 
above-mentioned crowd, " Boy ! can you direct 
me to the best hotel in this city ? " " Ain't but 
one," responded the youth ; " Winn keeps it, 
right up the hill thar." Decidedly, thought I, 
I will go in to Winn; and, reshouldering my 
carpet-bag, I blundered down the ladder upon a 
plank foot-path leading over an extensive morass 
in the direction indicated, not noticing, in my 
abstraction, that I had inadvertently retained 
within my grasp the melon upon which my 
hand had rested. " Saw yer ! " resounded from 
the wharf as I retired; ^^ Saw yer!'^ repeated 
several individuals upon the foot-path. For an 
instant my heart beat with violence at the idea 
of being seen accidentally appropriating so con- 
temptible an affair as a watermelon; but, hearing 
a man with a small white hat and large white 
moustache, shout "Hello!" and immediately 
rush with frantic violence up the ladder, I com- 
prehended that Sawyer was his proper name, 
and by no means concerned me or my proceed- 
ings; so, slipping the melon in my carpet-bag, 
I tranquilly resumed my journey. A short 



90 Benicia. 



walk brought me to the portal of the best and 
only hotel in the city, a large two-story build- 
ing dignified by the title of the Solano Hotel, 
where I was graciously received by mine host, 
who welcomed me to Benicia in the most win- 
ning manner. After slightly refreshing my inner 
man with a feeble stimulant, and undergoing an 
introduction to the oldest inhabitant, I calmly 
seated myself in the bar-room and contemplated 
with intense interest the progress of a game of 
billiards between two enterprising citizens; but 
finding, after a lapse of two hours, that there 
was no earthly probability of its ever being con- 
cluded, I seized a candlestick and retired to my 
room. Here I discussed my melon with in- 
tense relish, then, seeking my couch, essayed to 
sleep. But, oh ! the fleas ! skipping, hopping, 
crawling, biting ! " Won't some one establish 
an agency for the sale of D. L. Charles & Co.'s 
Heabane, in Benicia ? " I agonizingly shouted; 
and echo answered through the reverberating 
halls of the Solano Hotel, " Yes, they won't ! " 
What a night! But everything must have an 
end (circles and California gold excepted), and 
day at last broke over Benicia. Magnificent 
place! I gazed upon it from the attic window 
of the Solano Hotel with feelings too deep 
for utterance. The sun was rising in its ma- 
jesty, gilding the redwood shingles of the U. S. 
storehouses in the distance ; seven deserted 
hulks were riding majestically at anchor in the 



Benicia. 91 



bay; clothes-lines, with their burdens, were 
flapping in the morning breeze; a man with a 
wheelbarrow was coming down the street, — 
everything, in short, spoke of the life, activity, 
business and bustle of a great city. But in the 
midst of the excitement of this scene, an odor- 
iferous smell of beefsteak came, like a holy 
calm, across my olfactories, and, hastily drawing 
in my cabeza^ I descended to breakfast. This 
operation concluded, I took a stroll in company 
with the oldest inhabitant, from whom I ob- 
tained much valuable information, which I hasten 
to present. 

There are no less than forty-two wooden 
houses, many of them two stories in height, 
in this great place, and nearly twelve hun- 
dred inhabitants, men, women and children. 
There are six grocery, provision, dry goods, auc- 
tion, commission, and where-you-can-get-almost- 
any-little-thing-you-want stores, one hotel, one 
school-house which is also a brevet church, 
three billiard-tables, a post-office — from which 
I actually saw a man get a letter — and a ten- 
pins alley, where, I am told, a man once rolled a 
whole game, paid ^1.50 for it, and walked ofF 
chuckling. Then there is a monte-bank, 
a Common Council, and a Mayor, who, my 
guide informed me, is called Carne^ from a 
singular habit he has of eating roast beef for 
dinner. But there isn't a tree in all Benicia. 
" There was one," said the guide, " last year, 



92 Benicia. 



only four miles from here; but they chopped it 
down for firewood for the ' Post.' " Alas ! why 
didn't the woodman spare that tree? The 
dwelling of one individual pleased me indescrib- 
ably; he had painted it a vivid green. Imagi- 
inative being ! He had evidently tried to fancy 
it a tree, and, in the enjoyment of this sweet 
illusion, had reclined beneath its grateful shade, 
secured from the rays of the burning sun, in 
the full enjoyment of rural felicity even among 
the crowded streets of this great metropolis. 
How pretty is the map of Benicia! We went 
to see that, too. It's all laid off in squares and 
streets for ever so far, and you can see the pegs 
stuck in the ground at every corner, only they 
are not exactly in a line, sometimes; and there 
is Aspinwall's wharf, where they are building an 
iron steamer that looks like a large pan, and 
Semple Slip, all divided on the map, by lines and 
dots, into little lots of incredible value; but 
just now they are all under water, so no one 
can tell what they are actually worth. O, 
decidedly Benicia is a great place. " And how 
much, my dear sir," I modestly inquired of the 
gentlemanly recorder who displayed the map, 
" how much may this lot be worth ? " and I 
pointed with my finger to lot No. 97, block 
16,496, situated as per map, in the very centre 
of the swamp. " That, sir," replied he with 
much suavity, " ah ! it would be held at about 



Benicia. 93 



three thousand dollars, I suppose." I shuddered 
and retired. 

The history of Benicia is singular. The 
origin of its name, as related by the oldest in- 
habitant, is remarkable. " Many years ago,'* 
said that aged man, " this property was owned 
by two gentlemen, one of whom, from the ex- 
treme candor and ingenuousness of his char- 
acter, we will call Simple; the other being 
distinguished for waggery and a disposition for 
practical joking, I shall call, as in fact he was 
familiarly termed in those days, Larkin. 
While walking over these grounds in company^ 
on one occasion, and being naturally struck by 
its natural advantages, said Simple to Larkin, 
'Why not make a city here, my boy; have it 
surveyed into squares, bring up ships, build 
houses, make it a port of entry, establish depots, 
sell lots, and knock the centre out of Yerba 
Buena straight?' (Yerba Buena is now San 
Francisco, reader.) 'Ah!' quoth Larkin, a 
pleasant grin diffusing itself over his agreeable 
countenance, 'that would be nice, hey?'" 
Need we say that the plan was adopted, car- 
ried out, proved successful; and Larkin's 
memorable remark " be nice^ ^O'," being adopted 
as the name of the growing city, gradually be- 
came altered and vulgarized into its present 
form, Benicia! A curious history this, which 
would have delighted Home Tooke beyond 
measure. 



94 Benicia. 



Sonoma, October lo, 1850. 

I left Benicia with satisfaction. Ungrateful 
people ! I expected, after the very handsome 
manner in which I had spoken of their city, the 
glowing description of its magnitude, prosperity 
and resources that I had given; the consequent 
rise in property that had taken place ; the mani- 
fest effect that my letter would produce upon 
the action of Congress in making Benicia a port 
of entry ; in view of all these circumstances, I 
indeed expected some trifling compliment, — 
a public dinner, possibly, or peradventure a 
delicate present of a lot or two, the deeds in- 
closed in a neat and appropriate letter from the 
Town Council. But no ! the name of Squi- 
bob remains unhonored and unsung, and, what 
is far worse, unrecorded and untaxed in magnifi- 
cent Benicia. " How sharper than a serpent's 
thanks it is to have a toothless child," as Pope 
beautifully remarks in his Paradise lost. One 
individual characterized my letter as " a d — d 
burlesque." I pity that person, and forgive 
him. 



Benicia, Cal., June 10, 1855. 

Benicia is not a paradise. Indeed, I am in- 
clined to think that had Adam and Eve been 
originally placed here, the human race would 



Benicia. 95 



never have been propagated. It is my impres- 
sion that the heat and the wind and some other 
little Benician accidents, would have been too 
much for them. It would have puzzled them, 
moreover, to disobey their instructions; for there 
is no tree of knowledge, or any other kind, in 
Benicia. If they had managed this, what, in 
the absence of fig-leaves, would they have done 
for clothing ? Maybe tule would have answered 
the purpose ; there's plenty of that. I re- 
marked to my old friend. Miss Wiggins, the 
other day, in a conversation on Benicia, its 
advantages and its drawbacks, that there was 
not much society here. " Wal," replied the 
old lady, " thar's two^ the Methodists and Mr. 
Woodbridge's ; but I don't belong to nuther." 
" I don't either," said I, and the conversation 
terminated. 

I hardly know what to write to you. I re- 
mind myself of the old Methodist elder, way 
down on the French Broad, in Tennessee, who 
was unexpectedly called upon to address a 
camp-meeting. He slowly rose and ejaculated, 
" Brutherin," — here an idea struck him, — 
" Brutherin," said he, " the term Brutherin arose 
from an old custom of the apostles, who used 
to go up to the tabernacle and breathe therein! 
Hence the term, Brutherin. But my brutherin," 
he went on, " I'm not a-going to take my text 
from any particular part of the Bible, to-night. 
I'll tell you," said he, with a pleasant smile, as 



96 Benicia. 



he warmed to his work, " PU tell you all about 
old brother Paul, who went down to Corinth 
and got into an all-fired scrape, and was 
knocked down and drug out, and left thar 
for dead; all of which is written by Helicar- 
nassus, up the Archi/)^lago — bless-ed be the 
Lord ! " Now, like this ancient worthy, 
who, by the way, went on and made a very 
effective speech of it, I'm not going to take my 
text from anything in particular; but I will 
commence this rambling epistle by an anecdote 
of " old brother " Tushmaker, which, I think, 
has never yet been published. 

Dr. Tushmaker was never regularly bred as 
a physician, or surgeon, but he possessed natu- 
rally a strong mechanical genius and a fine 
appetite; and, finding his teeth of great service 
in gratifying the latter propensity, he con- 
cluded that he could do more good in the world 
and create more real happiness therein by put- 
ting the teeth of its inhabitants in good order 
than in any other way. So Tushmaker became 
a dentist. He was the man that first invented 
the method of placing small cog-wheels in the 
back teeth for the more perfect mastication of 
food, and he claimed to be the original discov- 
erer of that method of filling cavities with a 
kind of putty, which, becoming hard directly, 
causes the tooth to ache so grievously that it 
has to be pulled, thereby giving the dentist two 
successive fees for the same job. Tushmaker 



Benicia. 97 



was one day seated in his office, in the city of 
Boston, Massachusetts, when a stout old fellow 
named Byles presented himself to have a back 
tooth drawn. The dentist seated his patient in 
the chair of torture, and, opening his mouth, 
discovered there an enormous tooth, on the 
right-hand side, " about as large," as he after- 
wards expressed it, " as a small Polyglot Bible." 
I shall have trouble with this tooth, thought 
Tushmaker; but he clapped on his heaviest for- 
ceps, and pulled. It didn't come. Then he tried 
the turn-screw, exerting his utmost strength; 
but the tooth wouldn't stir. " Go away from 
here," said Tushmaker to Byles, " and return 
in a week, and I'll draw that tooth for you or 
know the reason why." Byles got up, clapped 
a handkerchief to his jaw, and put forth. Then 
the dentist went to work, and in three days he 
invented an instrument which he was confident 
would pull anything. It was a combination of 
the lever, pulley, wheel and axle, inclined plane, 
wedge and screw. The castings were made, 
and the machine put up in the office, over an 
iron chair rendered perfectly stationary by iron 
rods going down into the foundations of the 
granite building. In a week old Byles returned ; 
he was clamped into the iron chair, the forceps 
connected with the machine attached firmly to 
the tooth, and Tushmaker, stationing himself 
in the rear, took hold of a lever four feet in 
length. He turned it slightly. Old Byles gave 



98 Benicia. 



a groan, and lifted his right leg. Another turn ; 
another groan, and up went the leg again. 
'' What do you raise your leg for ? " asked the 
doctor. " I can't help it," said the patient. 
" Well," rejoined Tushmaker, " that tooth is 
bound to come, now." He turned the lever 
clear round with a sudden jerk, and snapped 
old Byles' head clean and clear from his shoul- 
ders, leaving a space of four inches between the 
severed parts ! They had a post-mortem exam- 
ination. The roots of the tooth were found 
extending down the right side through the right 
leg, and turning up in two prongs under the 
sole of the right foot ! " No wpnder," said 
Tushmaker, " he raised his right leg." The 
jury thought so, too ; but they found the roots 
much decayed, and, five surgeons swearing that 
mortification would have ensued in a few 
months, Tushmaker was cleared on a verdict 
of "justifiable homicide." He was a little shy 
of that instrument for some time afterward. But 
one day an old lady, feeble and flaccid, came in 
to have a tooth drawn ; and Tushmaker, think 
ing it would come out very easy, concluded, 
just by way of variety, to try the machine. He 
did so, and at the first turn drew the old lady's 
skeleton completely and entirely from her body, 
leaving her a mass of quivering jelly in her 
chair ! Tushmaker took her home in a pillow- 
case. She lived seven years after that, and they 
called her the " India-rubber woman." She 



Benicia. 99 



had suffered terribly with the rheumatism; but 
after this occurrence never had a pain in her 
bones. The dentist kept them in a glass case. 
After this, the machine was sold to the con- 
tractor of the Boston Custom House, and it was 
found that a child of three years of age could, 
by a single turn of the screw, raise a stone 
weighing twenty-three tons. Smaller ones were 
made, on the same principle, and sold to the 
keepers of hotels and restaurants. They were 
used for boning turkeys. 

There is no moral to this story whatever, and 
it is possible that the circumstances may have 
become slightly exaggerated. Of course, there 
can be no doubt of the truth of the main 
incidents. 

P. S. — You think this a stupid letter, perhaps. 
Think of my surroundings, young man ! 'Tis 
not often you get a good thing out of Nazareth. 
O Benicia, Benicia, " don't you cry for me!" 
for, I positively assure you, the feeling will not 
be reciprocated. 



The Lost Stove-pipe. 

Mission of Dolores, January 15, 1855. 

IT was my intention to furnish you, this 
month, with an elaborate article on a 
deeply interesting subject ; but a serious 
domestic calamity has prevented. I re- 
fer to the loss of my stove-pipe in the 
terrific gale of the 31st of December. 

There are few residents of this city whose 
business or inclination has called them to the 
Mission of Dolores, that have not seen and 
admired that stove-pipe. Rising above the 
kitchen chimney to the noble altitude of nearly 
twelve feet, it pointed to a better world, and was 
pleasantly suggestive of hot cakes for breakfast. 
From the window of my back porch I have 
gazed for hours upon that noble structure ; and, 
watching its rotary cap, shifting with every 
breeze and pouring forth clouds of gas and 
vapor, I have mused on politics and fancied 
myself a politician. It was an accomplished 
stove-pipe. The melody accompanying its 
movements, inaptly termed creaking by the 
soulless, gave evidence of its taste for music, 
and its proficiency in drawing was the wonder 



The Lost Stove-pipe. ioi 

and delight of our family circle. It had no bad 
habits ; it did not even smoke. 

I fondly hoped to enjoy its society for years, 
but one by one our dearest treasures are snatched 
from us : the soot fell, and the stove-pipe has 
followed soot. On the night of the 31st of 
December, a gale arose, unexampled in its 
terrific violence. Houses shook as with ter- 
tian ague, trees were uprooted, roofs blown 
off, and ships foundered at the docks. A stove- 
pipe is not a pyramid. What resistance could 
mine oppose to such a storm ? One by one its 
protecting wires were severed ; and as it bowed 
its devoted head to the fury of the blast, shrieks 
of more than mortal agony attested the despe- 
rate nature of its situation. At last the storm- 
spirit fell in its wrath, upon the feeble and reel- 
ing structure, and, whirling it madly in the air 
with resistless force, breaking several tenpenny 
nails and loosening many of the upper bricks 
of the chimney, dashed it down to earth. But 
why harrow up the feelings of your readers by 
a continuation of the distressing narrative ? The 
suffering that we have endured, the tears that 
have been shed, since this loss, will be under- 
stood and commiserated when I add, — the 
next morning the kitchen chimney smoked, and 
has been doing it intermittently ever since. 

Since my last, scarcely a gleam of fun has 
come to illumine the usual dull monotony of 
the Mission of Dolores; the days have been 



102 The Lost Stove-pipe. 

**Dark and dreary; 
It rains, and the wind is never weary.** 

It is amusing to observe the shifts a maker 
of poetry will resort to, when compelled to 
make use of an irrelevant subject to eke out his 
rhyme, to convince himself and his readers that 
the/aux pas was quite intentional, the result of 
study, and should be admired rather than criti- 
cised. In a poem called " Al Aaraaf," by 
Edgar A. Poe, who, when living, thought him- 
self, in all seriousness, the only living original 
poet, and that all other manufacturers of poetry 
were mere copyists, continually infringing on 
his patent, — occurs the following passage, in 
which may be found a singular instance of the 
kind in question. 

** Ligeia! Ligeia! 
My beautiful one! 
Whose harshest idea 
Will to melody run. 
Oh ! is it thy will 
On the breezes to toss ? 
Or, capriciously still. 
Like the lone Albatross, 
Incumbent on Night, 
(As she on the air). 
To keep watch with delight 
On the harmony there?" 

A foot-note informs us that "the albatross is 
said to sleep on the wingP Who said so ? I should 



The Lost Stove-pipe. 103 

like to know. BufFon doesn't mention it; neither 
does Audubon. Coleridge, who made the habits 
of that rare bird a study, never found it out; 
and the undersigned, who has gazed on many- 
albatrosses, and had much discourse with an- 
cient mariners concerning them, never suspected 
the circumstance, or heard it elsewhere remarked 
upon. 

I am inclined to believe that it never occurred 
to Mr. Poe until, having become embarrassed 
by that unfortunate word "toss," he was obliged 
to bring in either a " boss " or an albatross ; and, 
preferring the bird as the more poetical, invented 
the extraordinary fact to explain its appearance. 

The above lines, I am told, have been much 
admired ; but if they are true poetry, so are the 
following : — 

Highflier! Highflier! 

My long-legged one! 

Whose mildest idea 

Is to kick up and run; 

Oh, is it thy will 

Thy switch-tail to toss ? 

Or caper viciously still. 

Like an old sorrel horse, (hoss,) 

Incumbent on thee. 

As on him, to rear, (rare,) 

And though sprung in the knee. 

With thy heels in the air ? 

A note for me, and the man waiting for an 
answer, said ye? Now, by the shade of Shad- 



104 The Lost Stove-pipe. 

rach and the chimney of Nebuchadnezzar's 
fiery furnace ! 'tis the bill for the new chimney ! 
Bills, bills, bills! How can a man name his 
child William? The horrid idea of the partner 
of his joys and sorrows presenting him with a 
Bill! and to have that Bill continually in the 
house, constantly running up and down stairs, 
always unsettled, — distraction's in the 
thought! Tell that man, Bridget, I'm sick; 
and, lucky thought! say it's the smallpox; and 
ask him to call again when I've got better and 
gone to San Diego for my health. — He's gone. 
I see him from a hole in the window curtain, 
flying off in a zigzag direction, and looking back 
timorously, like a jacksnipe, with his long bill. 
I shall write no more; like that bill, I feel 
unsettled. Adieu ! 



Unfortunate Oliver. 

San Francisco, June lo, 1853. 

THE sympathies of the community 
have been strongly excited, within 
the last few days, in favor of an 
unfortunate gentleman of the He- 
brew persuasion on whom the offi- 
cers of the Golden Gate perpetrated a most 
inhuman atrocity during her late trip from 
Panama. I gather from information of indig- 
nant passengers, and by contemplation of an 
affecting appeal to the public posted in the 
form of a hand-bill at the corners of the streets, 
that this gentleman was forced by threats and 
entreaties to do violence to his feelings and 
constitution by eating his way through a barrel 
{not a half-barrel, as has been stated by interested 
individuals, anxious to palliate the atrocious 
deed) of clear pork ! The hand-bill referred to 
is headed by a graphic and well-executed sketch 
by Solomon Ben David, a distinguished artist of 
this city, and represents the unhappy sufferer as 
he emerged from the barrel, after his oleaginous 
repast, in the act of asking, very naturally, for 

105 



io6 Unfortunate Oliver. 

a drink of water. The offence alleged, I find 
from a hasty perusal of the resolutions contained 
in the hand-bill, was simply that this gentle- 
man, whose name appears to be Oliver, was 
heard inquiring for Colonel Moore, our well- 
known and respected ex-postmaster. My 
friend Saul Isaacs, who keeps the anything-on 
this-table-for-a- quarter stand, tells me that on 
" doffing his cask " the miserable Oliver was 
found completely bunged up, and that he is now 
engaged in composing a pathetic ode, describing 
his sufferings, to be called "The Barrel i" with 
a few staves of which he favored me on the 
spot. It was truly touching. But it is need- 
less to ring the chimes further on this subject. 

Who is the witty individual that has adopted 
my time-honored signature in the Evening Jour- 
nal} Funny beggar! He certainly, he! he! he! 
does get off, ha ! ha ! ha ! the drollest things, ho ! 
ho ! ho ! that I ever ever heard. I was taking 
my dinner at the Oriental when that capital hit 
at the Japan Expedition met my eye, and was 
borne from the room by two strong waiters, 
choking with half a glass of water imbibed the 
wrong way, kicking violently in the air with 
convulsions of laughter and delight, and exclaim- 
ing, " Oh! d n it!" thus losing my repast, 

and forfeiting forever the esteem of a grave and 
elderly gentleman with green spectacles, who 
sits opposite me and has made strenuous efforts 



Unfortunate Oliver. 107 

for mv conversion with great hope of ultimate 
success. Adopt another name, funny man, and 
do not continue to enhance thus undeservedly 
the literar\' reputation of 

SQUIBOB. 



A Walk with Sappho, 



Tired at last of monotony, even in beautiful 
Sonoma, I packed up my carpet-bag, and, taking 
the two-mule stage, passed through pretty little 
Napa again, and found myself, one evening, 
once more at Benicia. It had increased some- 
vi^hat since I had left it. I observed several 
new clothes-poles had been erected, and noticed 
a hand-cart, at the corner of a street, that I had 
never seen before. But I had little time for 
observation ; for the New World came puffing 
up to the hulks as I arrived, and I hastily 
stepped on board. 

Ascending to the cabin on the upper deck, I 
had the satisfaction of a formal presentation to 
Dr. Collyer and his interesting family. Sober, 
high-toned, moral and well-conducted citizens 
may sneer, if they please, at the " Model 
Artist " exhibitions of this family ; rowdies may 
visit them and utter their loud and vulgar 
remarks ; but I pretend to say that no right- 
minded man, with anything like the commence- 
ment of a taste for the beautiful and artistic, 
1 08 



A Walk with Sappho, 109 

can attend one of these exhibitions without 
feehng astonished, gratified, and, if an en- 
thusiast, delighted. As our gallant boat, dash- 
ing the spray from her bow, bore us safely 
and rapidly onward through the lovely bay of 
San Pablo, the moon tipping with its silvery 
rays each curling wave around us and shedding 
a flood of yellow light upon our upper deck, " I 
walked with Sappho." "Oh, beautiful being!" 
said I, somewhat excited by the inspiring 
nature of the scene, and possibly the least 
thought by the turpentine I had imbibed, " do 
you never feel, when in the pride of your match- 
less charms you stand before us, the living, 
breathing representation of the lovely, poetic, 
and ill-fated Sappho ; do you never feel the in- 
spiration of the moment, and, entering into the 
character, imagine yourself in mind, as in form, 
her beauteous illustration ? " '' Well — yes," 
said she, with the slightest possible indication of 
a yawn, " I don't know but I do ; but it 's 
dreadful tearing on the legs ! " 



Washington Ladies' Deposi- 
tory. 

The late J. P. Squibob, while walking down 
Pennsylvania avenue, was sorely mystified by a 
modest little sign standing in the window of a 
neat little shop on the left-hand side as you go 
down. The sign bore, in gayly painted letters, 
the legend, " Washington Ladies' Depository." 
Flattening his nose against the window, Squibob 
descried two ladies, whom he describes as of 
exceeding beauty, neatly dressed and busily en- 
gaged in sewing, behind a little counter. The 
foreground was filled with lace caps, babies' 
stockings, compresses for the waist, capes, collars 
and other articles of still life. Hat in hand, Squibob 
reverently entered, and with intense politeness 
addressed one of the ladies as follows : " Madam, 
I perceive by your sign that this is the depos- 
itory for Washington ladies. I am going 
north for a few days, and should be pleased to 
leave my wife in your charge. I don't 
know if, by your rules, you could receive her, 
as she is a Baltimore woman ! " " One of the 
ladies," says Squibob, " a pretty little girl in a 
no 



Washington Ladies' Depository, hi 

blue dress, sewing on a thing that looked Hke a 
pillow-case with arm-holes, turned very red, and, 
holding down her head, made the remark ' Tehee! * 
But the elder of the twain, after making as if 
she would laugh but by a strong-minded effort 
holding in, replied, ' Sir, you have made a mis- 
take ; this is the place where a society of 
Washington ladies deposit their work, to be sold 
for the benefit of the distressed natives of the 
island of Fernando de Noronha,' or words to 
that effect." Gravely did the wicked Squibob 
bow, all solemnly begged her pardon, and, put- 
ting on his hat, walked off, followed by a sound 
from that depository as of an autumnal brook 
gurgling and babbling gayly over its pebbly bed 
in a New England forest. 

San Diego, April 20, 1854. 



Farewell to San Francisco. 

San Diego, Aug. lo, 1853. 

IT was about 7^^ A. M., on the first 
day of this present month of August, 
that I awaked from a very pleasant 
dream, in the great city of San Fran- 
cisco, to the very unpleasant convic- 
tion that it was a damp and disagreeable morn- 
ing and that my presence was particularly 
required in the small city of San Diego. So, 
having shaken hands with Frink, taken an affec- 
tionate leave of the chambermaid, and, lastly, 
devoured a beefsteak at the Branch of Alden, 
which viand, in perfect keeping with the 
weather, was both cold and raw, I shouldered 
my cane with a carpet-bag suspended at each 
end, a la chinoise^ and left the Tehama 
House without " one lingering hope or fond 
regret." When a man is going down, every- 
body lends him a kick, — an aphorism which I 
came very near realizing in my own proper 
person; for, as I went on my way down Long 
Wharf, I accidentally grazed a mule, which, being 
in an evil frame of mind and harnessed to a 
dray, might be considered as passionately at- 



Farewell to San Francisco. i i 3 

tached to that conveyance. This interesting 
animal, fancying from my appearance that I 
was going down, lent me a kick, which, had 
his legs been two inches longer, would have put 
a stop to my correspondence forever. As it was, 
I escaped, and hurried on down the wharf, think- 
ing with a shudder on the mysterious prophecy of 
my friend, little Miss B., who had told me I was 
" sure to be kicked " before I left San Francisco, 
and wondering if she was really " among the 
prophets." The Northerner, like the steamboat 
runners, was lying at the end of the wharf, 
blowing off steam, and, as usual when a steamer 
is about to leave for Panama, a great crowd 
surrounded her. What made them all get up 
so early? Out of the three or four hundred 
people on the end of that wharf I don't believe 
fifty had friends that were about to sail. No ; 
they love to look upon a steamer leaving. It 
brings to their minds recollections of the dear 
ones at home to whom she is speeding with 
fond tidings, and they love to gaze and wish to 
Heaven they were going on her. The usual 
mob of noisy fruit-venders encompassed the 
gangway-plank. Green pears they sold to greener 
purchasers ; apples, also, whereof everything 
but the shape of an apple had long since de- 
parted, and oranges, the recollection of one of 
which doth to this day abide by me and set 
my teeth on edge. But high above their din, 
the roar of the steamer and the murmuring of 



114 Farewell TO San Francisco. 

the crowd, rang the shrill cry of the newsboy 
in his unknown tongue, Here's the Alteruldni- 
guntimes Heupf I stepped across the plank and 
found myself in the presence of three fine bul- 
locks. How fat and sleek they looked ; uneasy 
though, as if they smelled mischief in the wind. 
A tall gaunt specimen of Pike County hu- 
manity stood regarding them approvingly, his 
head thrown slightly back, to get their points to 
better advantage. It was the tomb gazing on 
its victim. As I paused for a moment to look 
on the picture. Pike yawned fearfully, his head 
opening like the top of an old-fashioned fall- 
back chaise. The nearest bullock, turning, 
caught his eye. I thought the unhappy animal 
shuddered, and nudged his companion, as who 
should say, " Ye living, come and view the 
grave where ye shall shortly lie." It was 
quite a touching little scene. 

On deck all was bustle and excitement. 
The sailors, apparently in the last extremity 
of physical suffering, judging by their ago- 
nized cries, were heaving away at mysterious 
ropes. The mate, Mr. Dall, was engaged 
in busy, not tender dalliance with the breast- 
lines; while Burns, the purser, exhibited an 
activity and good nature only to be accounted 
for by the supposition that he had eaten two 
boxes of Russian salve (which is good for Burns 
— see your advertising columns) for his break- 
fast. 



Farewell to San Francisco. 115 

As the last line fell from the dock, and our 
noble steamer, with a mighty throb and deep 
sigh at bidding adieu to San Francisco, swung 
slowly round, the passengers crowded to the 
side to exchange a farewell salutation with their 
friends and acquaintances. " Good bye, Jones'," 
" Good bye. Brown," " God bless you, old fel- 
low, take care of yourself!" they shouted. 
Not seeing any one that I knew, and fearing 
the passengers might think I had no friends, 
I shouted " Good bye. Muggins," and had the 
satisfaction of having a shabby man, much 
inebriated, reply, as he swung his rimless hat, 
" Good bye, my brother." Not particularly 
elated at this recognition, I tried it again with, 
'' Good bye. Colonel," whereat thirty-four re- 
spectable gentlemen took off their hats, and I 
got down from the position that I had occupied 
on a camp-stool, with much dignity, inwardly 
wondering whether my friends were all aids to 
Bigler; in which case their elevated rank and 
affection for me would both be satisfactorily 
accounted for. 

Away we sped down the bay, the captain 
standing on the wheel-house, directing our 
course. " Port, port a little, port," he shouted. 
" What's he a-calling for ? " inquired a youth 
of good-natured but unmistakable verdancy of 
appearance. " Port wine," said I, " and 
the storekeeper doesn't hear him; you'd better 
take him up some." " I will," said Innocence ; 



Ii6 Farewell to San Francisco. 

" I've got a bottle of first-rate in my state- 
room." And he did, but soon returned with a 
particularly crestfallen and sheepish appearance. 
" Well, what did he say to you," inquired I. 
" Pointed at the notice on that tin," said the 
poor fellow; " 'Passengers not allowed on the 
wheel-house.' He is, though, ain't he ? " 
added my friend with a faint attempt at a smile, 
as the captain in an awful voice shouted, " Star- 
board ! " " Is what ? " said I, " ' loud on the 
wheel-house ' / " Good God ! I went below. 

At 9 o'clock in the evening we arrived at 
Monterey, where our modest salute was an- 
swered by the thundering response of a 24- 
pounder from the fort. This useful defensive 
work, which mounts some twenty heavy guns 
and contains quarters for a regiment, was built 
in 1848 by Halleck, Peachy & Billings. It 
is now used as a hermitage by a lonely officer of 
the U. S. Army. The people of Monterey 
have a wild legend concerning this desolate 
recluse. I was told that he passes the whole 
of his time in sleep, never by any chance get- 
ting out of bed until he hears the gun of a 
steamer; when he rushes forth in his shirt, fires 
ofF a 24-pounder, sponges and reloads it, takes 
a drink and turns in again. They never have 
seen him ; it's only by his semi-monthly reports that 
they know of his existence. " Well," said I to 
my informant, a bustling little fellow named 
Bootjacks, who came ofF on board of us, " sup- 



P^AREWELL TO SaN FrANCISCO. I 1 7 

pose, some day a steamer should arrive and he 
should not return her gun ? " " Well, sir," 
replied Bootjacks, with a quaint smile, " we 
should conclude that he was either dead or out 
of powder''' Logical deduction this, and a 
rather curious story, altogether. How I should 
like to see him! 

Bootjacks kindly presented me with the fol- 
lowing state of the markets, &c., in Monterey, 
which will give you a better idea of the large 
business and commercial prosperity of that flour- 
ishing city than anything that I can write on 
those subjects. 

MONTEREY MARKETS. 

The arrival of a stranger by the Maj. Tompkins 
from San Francisco, during the past week, with specie 
to the amount of $4.87^, most of which has been 
put in circulation, has produced an unprecedented 
activity among our business men. Confidence is in a 
great measure restored, and our merchants have had 
no reason to complain of want of occupation. The 
following is the state of our market for the principal 
articles of domestic consumption: 

Flour — Twenty-five pounds, imported by Boston 
& Co. per Major Tompkins, still in first hands; flour 
in small quantities is jobbing readily at 15 @ 18 
cents ^ lb. We notice sales of 10 lb by Boston & 
Co. to Judge Merritt, on private terms. 

Pork — The half bbl. imported by Col. Russell, 
in March last, is nearly all in the hands of jobbers; 
sales of 4 lb at $1, half cash; remainder in note at 4 



ii8 Farewell to San Francisco. 

months. A half bbl. expected by Bootjack & Co., 
early in September, will overstock the market. 

Candy — Sales of 6 sticks by Boston & Co. to 
purser of Maj. Tompkins, on private terms; the mar- 
ket has a downward tendency; candy is jobbing in 
sticks at 6 @ 8 cents. 

Potatoes — We notice arrival of lo lb from the 
Santa Cruz; no sales. 

Dry Goods — Sales of two cotton pocket hdkfs. 
by McKinley & Co. at 62^ @ 75 cents; indorsed 
note at 6 months. 

Lively place, this. Thank Heaven, my lot 
is not cast there. It was once, but the people 
sold it for taxes. Having taken on board the U. 
S. mail, containing one letter (which I believe 
must have been the resignation of the Collector), 
our noble steamer bore away to the southward. 

Four bells tinkled from the little bell aft, 
four bells chimed from its deep-toned brother 
forward, and I, being of a retiring disposition, 
retired. 



At Sea. 

BRIGHT and beautiful rose the sun 
from out the calm, blue sea, its early 
rays gleaming on the snow-white 
decks of the Northerner, and "gild- 
ing refined gold " as they penetrated 
state-room " A," and, lingering, played among 
the tresses of the slumbering McAuburn. It 
was a lovely morning, " the winds were all 
hushed, and the waters at rest," and no sound 
was heard but the throbbing of the engine and 
the splash of the paddle-wheels as the gallant 
old Northerner sped on her way, " tracking the 
trackless sea." 

There was no excuse for being sick that 
morning ; so our passengers, still pale, but with 
cheerful hope depicted in their countenances, 
soon began to throng the deck. Cigars were 
again brought into requisition, and we had an 
opportunity of ascertaining whether there was 
any Bourbon among us. A capital set of fel- 
lows they were. There was Moore, and 
Parker, and Bowers (one of Joe Bowers's boys), 
and Sarsaparilla Meade, and Freeman, which 
119 



120 At Sea. 

last-mentioned gentlemen, so amusing were 
they, appeared to be travelling expressly to en- 
tertain us. And there were no ladies, which to 
me was a blessed dispensation. 

*< O woman! in our hours of ease 
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; 
When pain and anguish wring the brow, 
A ministering angel thou." 

Certainly ; but at sea, woman, you are de- 
cidedly disagreeable. In the first place, you 
generally bring babies with you, which are a 
crying evil, and then you have to have the best 
state-room and the first seat at the table. You 
monopolize the captain's attention and his room, 
and you make remarks to one another about us, 
and our cigars and profanity, and accuse us of 
singing rowdy songs, nights ; and you generally 
wind up by doing some scandalous thing your- 
self, when half of us take your part and the 
other half don't, and we get all together by the 
ears, and a pretty state of affairs ensues. No, 
woman ! you are agreeable enough on shore, if 
taken homeopathically, but on a steamer you 
are a decided nuisance. 

We had a glorious day aboard the old North- 
erner ; we played whist, and sang songs, and 
told stories, many of which were coeval with 
our ancient school-lessons, and, like them, came 
very easy, going over the second time. Many 
drank strong waters, and, becoming mopsed 



At Sea. 121 

thereon, toasted " the girls we'd left behind us"; 
whereat one, who, being a temperance man, 
had guzzled soda-water until his eyes seemed 
about to pop from his head, pondered deeply, 
sighed, and said nothing. And so we laughed, 
and sang, and played, and whiskied, and soda- 
watered through the day. And fast the old 
Northerner rolled on. At night the captain 
gave us a grand game-supper in his room, at 
which game we played not, but went at it in 
sober earnest ; and then there were more songs 
(the same ones, though, and the same stories 
too, over again), and some speechifying and 
much fun until, at eight bells, we separated, 
some shouting, some laughing, some crying (but 
not with sorrow), all extremely happy, — and 
so we turned in. But before I sought state- 
room " A," that night, I executed a small 
scheme for insuring undisturbed repose, which 
I had revolved in my mind during the day, and 
which met with the most brilliant success, as 
you shall hear. 

You remember the two snobs that every 
night, in the pursuit of exercise under difficul- 
ties, walk up and down on the deck, arm in 
arm, right over your state-room. You remem- 
ber how, when just as you are getting into your 
first doze, they commence, — tramp ! tramp ! 
tramp ! right over your head ; then you " hear 
them fainter, fainter still ; " you listen in horri- 
ble dread of their return, nourishing the while 



122 At Sea. 

a feeble-minded hope that they may have gone 
below — when, horror ! here they come, louder, 
louder, till tramp ! tramp ! tramp ! they go over 
your head again, and with rage in your heart at 
the conviction that sleep is impossible, you sit 
up in bed and despairingly light an unnecessary 
cigar. They were on board the Northerner, 
and the night before had aroused my indignation 
to that strong pitch that I had determined on 
their downfall. So, before retiring, I proceeded 
to the upper deck, and there did I quietly at- 
tach to the stanchions a small cord, which, 
stretching across, about six inches from the 
planking, formed what in maritime matters is 
known as a " booby-trap." This done, I re- 
paired to my room, turned in and calmly await- 
ed the result. In ten minutes they came; I 
heard them laughing together as they mounted 
the ladder. Then commenced the exercise, 
louder, louder, tramp ! tramp ! — thump ! (a dou- 
ble-barrelled thump) down they came together. 
" Oh, what a fall was there, my countrymen!" 
Two deep groans were elicited, and then fol- 
lowed what, if published, would make two 
closely printed royal octavo pages of profanity. 
I heard them d — n the soul of the man that did 
it. It was my soul that they referred to ; but I cared 
not, I lay there chuckling. When at length 
they limped away, their loud profanity subdued 
to a blasphemous growl, I turned over in a 
sweet frame of mind and, falling instantaneously 



At Sea. 



23 



asleep, dreamed a dream, a happy dream of 
" home and thee," Susan Ann Jane ! 

The next morning bright and early, the 
Coronados hove in sight, and at 10 o'clock we 
rounded Point Loma and ran alongside the coal- 
hulk, Clarissa Andrews, at the Playa of San 
Diego; just forty-nine hours from San Fran- 
cisco. 

The captain (he is the crew also) of the 
Clarissa Andrews, the gallant Bogart, stood on 
her rail, ready to catch our flying line, and in a 
few moments we were secured alongside, our 
engine motionless and my journey ended. 



End of Volume I. 



PRINTED FOR THE CAXTON CLUB 

BY R. R. DONNELLEY & SONS CO. 

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MDCCCXCVII 



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